


I Was Lost Without You

by Kaori_Nagisa



Series: The Prophet and the Virgin Mary [11]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Breast Fucking, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Interspecies Relationship(s), Making Love, Oral Sex, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-25 13:24:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6196702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaori_Nagisa/pseuds/Kaori_Nagisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes things aren't quite so easy to work through, especially so when a year of confusing feelings hinder rationale. But the end result surely makes the suffering worth it in the end, right? </p>
<p>Saren has to figure that part out on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Apprehension

When next she awoke, Nova’s eyes blinked against the light streaming in from the doorway.

At first she tried to bury her head under the covers, eyes closing tightly shut against the invasive brightness, but upon realizing a familiar presence was gone, she opened them again. The empty space next to her felt like a harsh chill, cutting through the fabric of the sheets to sink into her like ice water. She sat up too quickly, the room suddenly spinning around her for a brief moment until she rubbed her palms against her eyes, allowing the stars behind them to lessen and the world to realign itself properly, before she squinted in the dim glow from outside. 

“Saren..?” Her voice was hardly a whisper, small and frightened amid the silence. Her gaze swept down to the mattress, the only sign that he’d slept beside her being a slight indention along the sheets; a subtle reminder that the events of the night before had really happened. Running her hand along it, it was cool to the touch - abandoned for a good while. She felt a pang of worry in her chest, the scene reminding her all too cruelly of the morning after he’d first taken her. Again, she called his name, louder this time and with an undertone of fear lacing the word. The muffled sounds of the world outside the apartment were all that met her. 

Only then did the aching settle in, dull at first but growing as she became more aware of it. The worst of it was between her legs, just as before - and as she pulled away the covers, Nova winced at how red the area still was. At least her head wasn’t pounding with a hangover, even if the fact did little to make her feel any better. Carefully slipping across the length of the bed, she cautiously lowered her feet to the floor and tested her legs, wondering if they’d lost as much feeling as they had the last time. The answer was apparently no, for she stood with little issue and only a slight discomfort in her crotch, which settled into a throbbing sort of pain as she forced her way across the room. A hand found the doorway, pressing against it heavily as she leaned out just enough to take in more of the apartment; windows were uncovered and looking out upon the Presidium, the artificial sunlight from outside shining in, wrapping the entire space with a warm glow that illuminated the lower floor enough to not require any electric lighting. She could see cars whizzing by now and then on the transit, with the lake shining not far across the way.

But no sign of what concerned her most. 

Turning back towards the interior of the bedroom, Nova’s eyes first flicked to the clock display, which informed her it was only a few hours into the day cycle; next, they were drawn to a rapid blinking from the desk, the vague shape of her omnitool able to be made out in the dim glow filtering into the space. Her heart raced at the realization, and she all-too-quickly moved towards the sturdy piece of furniture, almost falling against it as her legs rubbed together and agitated the chafing, dragging a small whimper from her lips before the pain settled and she felt like she could breathe again. Fingers ghosted over indentations in the faux-wood, a flush creeping along her cheeks as she recalled the way Saren had pushed her against it the night before, frantic and hungry to leave no space between them. She snatched up the omnitool before the thoughts could engulf her, the orange glow bathing across her skin as she opened her inbox to find a video message waiting for her from a familiar address. Equal measures of relief and panic washed over her, but Nova shook them off as she started the recording. 

_ “Nova, if you’re seeing this I can safely assume you’ve awoken before I can return.” _

Saren’s voice - warbled slightly from the playback - flooded the room, snaking across her skin with a soothing touch as she watched his visage on the screen. Just the sight of him seemed to calm her fears of being abandoned, especially so as she processed the word “return”.

_ “I apologize for not being there to greet you, but I received a message earlier this morning from the turian Councilor, requesting my presence for a brief audience in his office. I cannot say how long I will be gone, but I intend to be done with this business before the evening. You were sleeping soundly, so I didn’t wish to rouse you..” _

She saw him pause, head turning to the side and upwards as if he was looking for something. It was only then that she could make out the glass staircase a few paces behind him, and realized he must have recorded this on his way out the door. A warmth fluttered in her chest at that. He’d still thought to let her know where he was, where he had disappeared to - perhaps all too aware of what she may feel waking up alone after the previous night’s events. Some days it felt as if Saren knew her better than she knew herself, alarmingly perceptive to even the most subtle shift in her mood and able to wring out the truth from her no matter how much she tried to hide emotional distress. There was something extremely comforting about having someone like that in her life. 

_ “I… applied medigel to the worst of your injuries, before I left. The scars should be gone completely by the time you wake up, and the rest.. should heal within a day or two. I had tried to be more careful this time, but I still ended up harming you. I’m sorry.” _

“Saren..” she whispered, almost reaching out to the holoscreen before withdrawing her hand, realizing she couldn’t do anything to comfort him over that issue just yet. She’d have to be patient and await his return to reassure him, let him know she didn’t blame him for anything. She watched as he moved in silence through the apartment’s front door and down a hall that she had barely paid attention to the day before as he’d guided them here. 

_ “I’ll try to contact you when I’m finally free of this irritation and returning. I’ve left a credit chit with a small amount of funds on the desk, feel free to buy yourself breakfast and whatever else you think you require. I rarely use this apartment for myself let alone anyone else, so there are, of course, no levo ingredients to be found in the refrigeration unit. Also be sure to apply medigel to any areas that still.. need tending to. I will speak with you later, Nova.” _

The video cut out after that, leaving the girl with only a weary smile on her face and a slight flush along her cheeks. While not the picturesque morning after she had kept dreaming of before waking, it was relieving to hear that Saren hadn’t simply walked out again with regrets and hard feelings. The last morning, so long ago now yet still so fresh within her mind, crept along the back of her thoughts like a spider, a hovering reminder of history that could have repeated itself. She was glad it wasn’t going to, and perhaps they could even have a…  _ normal _ morning together, once he made his way back. A normal morning for an abnormal relationship - she couldn’t help laughing at the thought, heart sputtering with a childlike overexcitement before she managed to reign it in.

“You’re acting silly, Nova,” she chastised herself, but the words weren’t biting and in fact held a warm undertone as her thoughts drifted towards the Spectre’s return. Her dreams returned to her in blurry waves, snapshots of Saren’s hand in hers giving way to his arms around her, a chaste kiss shared before he nuzzled against her ear and whispered her name in that vibrating rumble she enjoyed so much. She clutched the omnitool close, lips brushing against it as she let the thoughts consume her this time, chasing away any lingering fears. 

He’d made no promises to her of what would come after, but Nova wanted to hope. Hope that this meant more to him than simply another night of wanton sex. 

* * *

 

Showering hadn’t been as painful as the last time, the water only mildly irritating the chafing and escalating it to a sharper pain rather than the dull throb - distracting, but bearable enough that she didn’t feel like she was fighting for every breath of air. The hardest part had been trying to clean between her legs in order to rid herself of the uncomfortable residue of Saren’s release. She scrubbed as carefully as she could over the area, but didn’t manage to leave without a few pained whimpers before it was through. Overall, though, the ten minutes under hot water left her feeling much cleaner and refreshed, working out any remaining soreness in her muscles and along the few marks on her hips that hadn’t yet fully healed up - the latter of which she rubbed some medigel on once she dried off.  

She stood in the bedroom, towel wrapped around herself and hair just slightly dripping down her shoulders as she ran her gaze across the now-illuminated space. Saren must have been up for longer than she’d initially thought, judging by how her bag of clothing had been brought up and set aside just against the end of the bed - not to mention the credit chit she spared a brief look to before moving over to tug at the sheets. Smoothing out the bed felt like a morning ritual now, even within someone else’s apartment - years of having a prim and orderly Alliance guardian watching over her shoulder met with another year of military training, creating an easy habit that she performed almost unconsciously. And something about doing it after waking up in Saren’s home felt… right. A strange sort of connection with an unfamiliar place. The fragrance of the shampoo she’d found in the bathroom wafted past her nose as her damp hair fell across her cheeks, reminding her of how there had conveniently been human showering products just waiting for her when she’d walked in. 

Saren must have prepared for an eventuality like yesterday. The thought had her blushing in embarrassment; it was just more fuel for her hope of things meaning more to him than simply a physical release. It certainly meant more to her. 

A moment later, she was carefully riffling through the bag from yesterday, looking at each piece of clothing Saren had gotten for her, the flush deepening as she realized just how revealing some of them were. Had she been in a daze or something when trying them on? She certainly felt like there were more low-cut tops and short skirts than there were proper civilian clothes, and couldn’t help feeling like that asari matron had slipped a few extras in there for… whatever reason. Nova didn’t want to dwell on that train of thought too much. Instead, she pulled out her old Alliance civvies and quickly changed into them, gingerly easing the slacks up her legs in order to avoid irritating the chafing. A skirt may have actually been a better idea at this point, but the paranoia of the rashes peeking out for everyone to see made her too wary for that, so slightly uncomfortable and very unfashionable pants it was. 

She just needed something easy to move in for a quick trip out. A decision had been made as she’d washed herself, an idea that she’d thought of many times over the course of the past year but never believed she’d have a chance to try. But first, she needed ingredients, and for that she’d need to make a trip down to the nearest dextro marketplace on the Presidium. 

With any luck, she wouldn’t make a giant mess out of trying to cook for him. 

*****

The Presidium never slept, or so Nova thought as she made her way along the winding pathways, following the holographic signposts towards the Commons, where most of the shops were located. The air was crisp and the perfect temperature, easily shaking off the last vestiges of sleep from her body while she enjoyed the leisurely stroll. Walking the short distance was proving to be good for her, allowing the feeling in her legs to return in full and the aching in her crotch to subside as she focused in on her feet hitting the ground. It also gave her more time to look through the extranet sites she’d bookmarked what felt like years ago; beginner guides to dextro cooking as well as recipes for easy but supposedly delicious foods that would, to quote one of the sites, “make any turian stay the night”. She didn’t bother spending time thinking on the message behind that. 

By the time she set foot in the lower level of the markets, Nova had settled on a dish said to be highly favored in Palaven’s largest city of Cipritine as an old cultural delicacy. It seemed simple enough, and after more digging around she’d found another introductory course in dextro foods stating it was a good beginner dish to try making, so in the end it seemed perfectly suited to her needs. The ingredients were listed out in an orderly fashion, with the names of each written in both the turian language and galactic common for ease of finding - merely showing her omnitool to turian shopkeepers had them nodding in understanding and quickly procuring what she required. Within just a few minutes of walking around various dextro food suppliers, Nova was carrying a few different packages and a couple bags, the former of which she shoved in the latter after pausing at a nearby bench to catch a breath. Her own stomach was grumbling now after having been around so many foodstuffs - even the strange and exotic-looking ingredients that came from Palaven. Thinking on it, she chastised herself for not getting something to eat first before she got neck deep in shopping, for now she had chilled packages of raw meat and other strange things resting beside her in the bag, requiring refrigeration at the earliest opportunity and thus not allowing her much time to simply sit down and partake in a meal. 

After thinking on it in silence for a moment, she got up and spent a few more minutes picking out simple ingredients for one of her favored breakfast foods. Not even half an hour later, she was piling everything into the seat beside her as she hailed a cab. 

The walk from the transit station back into Saren’s apartment took more time than she remembered from the day before, but soon Nova was making her way inside and heading for the kitchen area, shoving all the cold ingredients as quickly into the refrigeration unit as she could - while leaving the rest separated into levo and dextro piles along the marble-topped counters. 

It was only after the frantic rush to get the raw meats and dairy products back into a cold environment that she paused, blush rising over her cheeks as she got the distinct impression of a wife preparing for her husband’s return from work. She’d watched too many cheesy romance movies over the years (usually with her female guardian), staying up late out of a strange desire to see more of that domesticity portrayed in between all the fake drama thrown in for plot devices. Perhaps having Alliance officers for guardians had simply left her wanting in regards to good portrayals of family life, or perhaps it had been yet another naive daydream she’d had of her own future, but Nova had been drawn to just the quaint, picturesque image of housewives cooking for their husbands and staying home to watch the kids. Old TV shows from the pre-spaceflight era in particular had always interested her, despite the sexist portrayal of women and overbearing racism which had, while not been fully eliminated in modern times, been quashed almost completely until it was a simple buzz in the background of humanity’s progression forward as a species. 

And now after nearly forgetting about those childhood imaginings of greeting her faceless husband after he returned from a long day of work, she realized she was preparing to do almost exactly that. 

The only difference was Saren wasn’t her husband… or anything, really. But the thought of it had her stomach twisting in that strange way it had during some past conversations, with Saren mentioning how difficult it would be to find a partner simply because of his appearance. And along with the butterflies beating at her innards, the heat from her cheeks spread across to the tips of her ears, and she all-too-quickly shut down the train of thought she’d been about to take. 

Better to approach that topic when he was actually around, otherwise she’d just be running herself ragged with paranoia and worries she didn’t even know if she should have. 

Trying to distract herself, she opened up her omnitool and brought the recipe up for the turian dish, reading the entire process through once, then twice - then a third time for luck - before setting about carefully preparing the non-meat ingredients. The motions came naturally to her even as she spent extra minutes rotating the strange vegetables and fruits around, almost confused on which side was the stem and which the bottom before giving up after the third item and looking that up too. The difficulties in trying to cook for a species who couldn’t eat the same sort of food as her own were all too clear to her now, but as she continued on with the familiar pattern of washing, slicing, and peeling, Nova felt like she kept gaining more of a grasp on it. The hardest part was, so far, just identifying parts of the ingredients. 

She’d have to ask Saren what some of this was. A few things looked almost familiar enough that she could have easily mistaken them for Earth-based flora, but others… definitely something worth a question. 

She paused again midway through thinly cutting a pear-shaped fruit the color of seaweed, hand shaking ever so slightly as she recalled hours spent watching her mother… even as a tiny five year old child, she’d wanted so badly to learn. 

 

_ “Mommy, why do you cut the carrots so small?”  _

_ “They’re meant for flavoring, not for individual eating. I’ll be mixing them in with these potatoes and onions here, see?”  _

_ The woman lowered herself into a crouch, hands carefully holding a small plate with circular cuts of washed potatoes and little blocks of onion off to one side, neither ingredient touching the other. Mom had always been so precise with everything, even her makeup - which Nova also liked watching her put on every morning before the tall woman with dust-brown hair and glittering blue eyes left for the marketplace just across the fields of crops on the outskirts of the colony.  _

_ “Flav.. flaver-..”  _

_ “Flavoring, honey. It makes the food taste good, so that you’ll eat every single bite!” _

 

The knife was lowered to the cutting board, Nova bringing a hand up to wipe away the few trickles of tears that had managed to escape. Those memories should have brought nothing but smiles and laughter, precious moments with one of the most loving people she’d ever met, who looked at her as if she meant the galaxy to them. Instead pain laced through the sun-drenched recollection, a dark fire rising to eat away at it until she pushed it back behind one of the many walls she’d erected years ago. There was no reason to dwell on it. No use remembering.

Mom was gone. They were all gone. 

Everyone except her. 

She threw herself back at cooking, deciding to pull up a radio station to play in the background as she slid her eyes over the instructions. Hands moved quickly, fingers recalling every motion she’d learned and been taught, until finally her thoughts returned to a peaceful blank state and she focused on nothing except doing everything right. She was nervous about her first foray into dextro cooking, the inability to taste test the food herself probably eating at her worse than anything else, but Nova was determined to do well. Saren deserved the best, regardless of how easy it was to accomplish. 

* * *

 

She hadn’t looked at the clock in what felt like an eternity, but upon the familiar mechanical click of the door console sounding off in the empty space of the apartment, Nova’s heart seemed to sputter and restart itself as she quickly glanced down to her omnitool, the orange display having become just one more background blur as she’d watched the steaming pot. The uniform numbers told her it had been just over an hour since she’d gotten back from the Commons. 

Her gaze swung to the door as it gave a familiar  _ whoosh _ of air, opening to reveal the Spectre’s tall, looming figure. Again her heart seemed to struggle for a second to beat, before pounding rapidly against her ribcage as her stomach butterflies returned to wreak havoc. When had he started causing her such emotional disarray? 

Their eyes met, Saren moving closer as if on instinct, stalking towards her like a cat cornering a mouse. His gaze was tired, heavy as if he’d hardly slept the night before, but his mandibles flicked out in a slight smile as he eliminated the distance between them, coming to stand at her side. She saw his nostril plates flare slightly, heard the quiet sniffing before his familiar baritone washed over her. “What’s all this?”

“I-I… c-cooking. Er, I-I mean…”  _ God, Nova, get ahold of yourself! _ she screamed silently, the flush from earlier in the day returning in full force to ignite along her face. Mentally slapping herself, she steadied her voice and organized her thoughts, continuing, “I… I-I thought you might be hungry when you, um.. g-got back. So I went out and.. a-and, um..”

“You know how to prepare dextro-based meals, then?” The words weren’t said in that icy tone he’d used with her a year ago as he’d tried to exit the apartment she’d shared with friends, yet Nova still felt herself tense up. Either sensing her discomfort or merely doing so unbidden, she soon felt Saren’s gloved talons snaking up to her shoulder. 

“I… this is my first t-time trying to, honestly.. I-I’ve been reading up on it a lot the past year, b-but because of.. of training and, w-well.. I haven’t had a chance to see if I learned anything..” She bit her lip for a moment, absently giving the mixture a small stir. Gods, she wished she could tell whether it even looked appetizing or not - the dark blue hue of the broth was about as disgusting to her as if someone had left rotten meat out to dry. “I-I’m sorry, I… used that c-credit chit to buy some ingredients..”

Saren gave a slight huff, seeming to dismiss her worry. “I did say to use it for anything else you thought you required. Though this is… unexpected.” She felt his eyes back on her, his body pressing just a little bit closer than before. “What prompted this, Nova?”

“I just.. w-wanted to do something for you. To.. thank you for yesterday. The m-meal and clothes, I mean. Or w-well, no… y-yes, I-I mean a-all of-”

Talons ghosted across the back of her neck before tangling themselves carefully in her hair. That familiar warmth settled in her gut, prompting the return of the same peace and safety she’d felt ten years ago, as she’d hid behind his leg while staring at unfamiliar humans in a too-white office. The stuttering faded into silence, her words hanging in the air as she chanced a look up at the turian. Seemingly satisfied, Saren’s hand soon fell away, but not without a last lingering gaze between them before his attention fixed to the boiling pot of blue goop. 

“Well, it at least smells familiar. Looks passable.” He sniffed again, eyes seeming to brighten slightly as his brow plates rose, expression looking as if he just recognized something. “I haven’t had this in years, if that is what I suspect.” 

“D-Did you, um.. like it at all?”

“Quite well. It’s a cultural delicacy for a reason, Nova.”

Relief washed over her at that, one of many worries finally eased. Now to just get through the remaining ones without breaking into a fit of tears like she was five years old again. 

It was only upon Saren’s retreat out of the kitchen area that Nova allowed her gaze to take in all of him. He was in an unfamiliar white ensemble, dull yellows running along in a rigid pattern over the sleek chassis and evoking a familiar picture of the body armor she sometimes saw Corona walking around in when they were close to a port. Joints of the armor shone with a glittering grey chainmail texture, all along the space where his upper thighs met his hips and across the entire back of the leg, as well as portions along the arm. Either it was a stylistic choice or the armor was made more for ceremony than actual combat - Nova wasn’t sure, but was almost too enamored with the appearance of it to really think about anything other than how  _ good _ it looked on him. It was unfamiliar yet gave him an strangely regal air, something that befitted Saren’s personality almost too well.   
  
He apparently sensed her eyes on him, for soon the Spectre turned with an almost amused expression on his features, mandibles flicking outwards just once before she heard him give a light chuckle. He said nothing as he disappeared behind the wall, heavy footsteps thudding across the carpet before she heard the distinct sound of claws clicking on glass.


	2. Decent

Saren was almost sure he’d broken past the barrier of madness and into pure resignation at the insanity he’d unleashed. 

Nova  _ cooking _ for him,  _ preparing a meal _ for his inevitable return from an irritating meeting with Sparatus as if she’d been living in his apartment and doing so for years. The thought still baffled him to the point he wondered whether he was suffering some sort of hallucination from the exhaustion rolling along his shoulders, clinging to him with an iron grip despite his best efforts to shake it off. But the lingering smell of that stew told him the scene had definitely been real, and that seemed to shake him to his core with an unfamiliar sense of… dread? Or was it joy? 

Equal parts, perhaps. 

Most maddening of all had been how  _ right _ it felt. The picture was perfect, as if it should have been that way from the very start. He shook his head as he peeled off the hard plates of armor from his chest, easily stripping down out of the ceremonial hardsuit and wandering into the open closet to fetch his familiar black robes from where he’d placed them earlier that morning. The girl’s scent wafted in and out of the air as he moved, familiar and so very  _ desired _ to the point he let a groan slip from his second larynx as he took it in. She’d used that odd liquid he’d purchased a week back in preparation for bringing her to his unused home - it had a floral-like undercurrent to it, mixing easily with the rest of her and enticing his nostrils.  _ Spirits _ , she smelled like pure pleasure. It was almost a shame he’d been unable to take it in downstairs, the aroma of that bubbling stew having drowned it out. 

“Damn it, infuriating woman,” he whispered, shaking his head for a moment as he pulled the cloak about his shoulders and let the weight of it settle in a comforting manner, a reminder of things more familiar and less.. unusual. Fastening the buckles along the interwoven chassis, he reached for his gloves before the hand paused, talons frozen in time as he thought for a moment. 

Should he…? 

She’d certainly proven she held no fears over his sharp claws, despite the marks he had left across her unblemished skin two times now. But then his mind recalled the conversation they’d had just a day prior, where he revealed the cultural implications of a glove-less turian. He wasn’t about to question if she remembered - he knew she did. She was too smart for her own good, with a memory so crystal clear he almost wondered just how she had forgotten about his grudging rescue so many years ago. 

Not wearing them may give her the wrong impression. Or worse, give her the  _ right _ impression of its meaning.. he snatched them up with a growl and quickly slipped them over his hands, huffing at his own behavior. His subvocals droned with irritation before he quieted them down as he stepped out the door of the bedroom, making his way back to the kitchen.

She was right where he’d left her, eyes staring down at the covered pot on the stove he’d never touched. Once again, the placement seemed… appropriate. The picture felt correct, like this was how it was meant to be. Like she should have always been there, oddly-pretty features wrinkled just slightly by the stern concentration in her gaze. He wondered what she’d look like when she was his age - questioning if she’d be just as grizzled and weathered as he was, with those oddly-placed wrinkles all across her face that he’d seen on older humans. The image didn’t seem right, as if some instinctual part of him was saying that wasn’t her destiny. Somehow, Saren felt she’d be just as… beautiful. Older, less of a childlike gleam in her eye.. but still beautiful. 

He couldn’t believe he was admitting to himself that a  _ human _ was beautiful. Even if it was  _ his _ human. 

Their eyes met as he moved closer, Saren being the first to break contact as he noticed that flush rising across her creamy skin once more - holding back a smirk that threatened to pull his mandibles outwards. Of all the things he’d expected to see when he returned, the girl turning red and stuttering out words like his mere presence induced trembling had  _ not _ been one of them. But he wasn’t exactly complaining, finding an odd pleasure in her reactions just as he always had. 

“It’ll be done soon, I… I think,” she said, finally breaking the silence before turning to carefully uncover the pot enough to peer down at it. Saren gave it a quick glance before looking to the counter, eyes taking in a small pile of strange-looking foods off to one side. Curious, he reached over and plucked an oddly-shaped brownish lump from the assortment, examining it with an almost disgusted look before sniffing it. His expression twisted in displeasure at the scent, and Saren nearly threw it away before he caught Nova staring at him, the corners of her lips twitching. 

“What?” he asked, flicking a mandible in irritation. The twitching intensified, finally giving way to an upturned movement as a small laugh escaped - lilting and musical to his ears. 

“N-Nothing.. I’m sorry, it’s just..” Another laugh, her hand moving up to cover her mouth in that all-too-familiar way as she turned her gaze back to the boiling turian stew. Saren put down the brown lump and stalked closer, talons snaking under the girl’s chin and tilting her gaze back towards him as he utterly captured her eyes. The laughing cut short, replaced by that same flush - the same quickening breath and subtle intake of air through her slightly-parted lips. As he closed the distance between them, those emerald depths seemed to ignite with a familiar burn, tempered by a healthy dose of expectation. Spirits, but how he enjoyed the ease with which he could elicit reactions from her. 

“Well?” he prompted, letting a small smile slip out as he saw her eyes waver across his face. Speechless. 

Not for long, at least, as she finally whispered, “It.. i-it’s a potato. I-I just.. I guess you haven’t seen much h-human food before, is all..”

“Good girl,” he crooned, enjoying the way her flush trickled down to cover the entirety of her face. Her lips only seemed to grow redder as it did, enticing him and calling a siren song that he struggled to resist. Releasing her with a speed she certainly hadn’t been expecting, judging by the squeak of surprise that escaped before her jaw clamped shut again, Saren made a show of clearing out his throat before continuing, “To answer your assumption: no, I haven’t. I never really cared to either, if asari cuisine is any indication of your own species’. I question how you eat anything, especially such tiny little bits and pieces. But I suppose turian food looks just as inedible to you.”

“S-Sort of, yeah.. I don’t even know what this is supposed to…” Nova spared another glance towards the pot before shyly looking back to him. “S-Supposed to look like..” 

“It looks passable, as I said. At the very least, the sight of it isn’t making my stomach heave.” 

Her wince made his jaw tighten, and a hand found its way to her cheek, caressing over it in apology for but a moment before falling away again. 

* * *

 

She tried not to let her hands shake as she ladled a small portion of the not-as-blue stew into a cup, the smell not entirely unpleasant but the contents still making her stomach do a few uncomfortable flips before it settled. 

Turning towards the small dining table set along the opposite side of the counters, her heart decided to be the one to perform acrobatics now as she took in Saren’s profile, stiff but not to the point of looking rigid, one leg bent with his spur resting against the outer edge of the chair. Nerves found their way back into her system, prompting a quick bite of her lower lip before she moved forward, focusing all too intently on holding the cup steady as she walked to him and set it down, pulling back and uncomfortably twining her hands together in front of her. Any words she could think of to offer along with the mixture died in her throat, leaving her standing in awkward silence as Saren stared at the cup for a moment. Finally reaching towards it, he gave the contents a quick glance before looking up to her with a slightly quirked mandible. 

“Appears enough like it to remind me of my last taste of the dish. The aroma is perfect,” he said, voice flanging a little harder than usual. Nova could only shiver, avoiding the urge to bite down on her lip again as she stayed quiet, unsure of what to even say - perhaps too tongue-tied by expectation to even manage anything. She’d never been quite that religious, especially not after Mindoir, but now she seemed to be praying to every god out there that he’d enjoy it. Or at least that it wouldn’t send him straight to the med clinic with food poisoning or something equally as terrible. 

_ You’re ridiculous, you know that right? _ she heard her inner voice say, the tone exasperated. She knew she was being overly paranoid, but too many insecurities and worries were rising up on the heels of her first attempt at a turian meal, however simple it was supposed to be and regardless of how easy preparing it had felt - at least until she’d gotten to the part where she had to throw everything in the pot and hope for the best. There was a fervent desire to please the Spectre beyond just in the bedroom, to do things for him and succeed at them enough that… 

That what? He’d praise her, pat her head like she was a child and tell her good job? That he’d feel as if some burden had been lifted? 

Her gaze dropped from him for a moment as an uncomfortable realization hit her gut with enough force it could have dropped a rhino. It was only the clink of the cup leaving the surface of the table that brought her eyes back up to focus in on the contemplative expression Saren was making, swirling the stew for a moment. She felt like she held a breath as he finally lifted it to his mouth, throwing back the entire cup with a hard swallow that nearly made her panic. Not like there was any other way for turians to eat stew, she supposed, but the silence that accompanied the action had her nearly shaking with anxiety. 

“Not bad,” he finally said, voice nearly a whisper for how quiet it was, the metallic flanging of his subvocals almost nonexistent. The words seemed to break whatever spell she had been under, and Nova forced herself not to slump against the table in relief before he continued, with a quick glance her way, “Not the best, either. But for a first try at turian cuisine, it’s… decent. A little more work and it may rival the bowl I had back during a trip to Cipritine.”

Nova lowered her gaze again, unsure how to feel. Happy, she supposed, that it at least tasted decent enough that he wasn’t vomiting on the floor in disgust, but the relief of the fact was chained back by a distinct feeling of failure. It shouldn’t have bothered her as much as it did, to not be able to immediately recreate such a supposed delicacy with flawless accuracy when she’d never before tried to cook for a dextro-based species - let alone had even cooked at all in nearly a year, having fallen far out of practice while in training. But as Saren didn’t rise to make for another ladle of the stuff, Nova couldn’t help feeling frustrated. How did she ever expect to be of any use to him if she couldn’t even get something right that was supposedly so simple? 

The question overrode another, more emotionally draining one of  _ why _ did she want to be useful to him. It wasn’t like she’d be staying with him here in this apartment for much longer, with training resuming tomorrow at the compound and then a long trip back to the  _ Hong Kong _ at the end of the week. 

She tried to ignore the way her chest seemed to tighten as she realized just how little time they had left. 

“Have you eaten at all?” he asked, and her eyes raised to meet his own silver glint. She flushed as the question seemed to send a signal to her stomach to let out a growl right then and there. Saren’s mandibles flicked out - either in amusement or irritation, she couldn’t tell - and the Spectre rose from his seat with a sigh. A hand found her cheek, stroking over it for a moment before he nodded his head towards the counter, where Nova’s gaze followed to land on the Earth-based ingredients she’d piled up a while ago and then promptly forgot about. 

“I-I.. I was going to start c-cooking once I.. b-but forgot, y-you came home before it was done..” she tried to sputter out, a poor excuse that only had the turian’s brow plates lowering in what was probably a scowl. He released her face only to press the same hand against her back, gently prodding her towards the kitchen. 

“Fix yourself something. You shouldn’t have concerned yourself over me in the first place, woman,” he said, voice a low growl but without any sort of bite to it as she heard that odd hum again, the one that seemed to emit straight from his chest. Nova allowed herself to be moved back towards the counter, hands quickly finding their way to things as she tried to do as he’d ordered - with only a small moment spent to force her hands to steady before she started trying to slice through anything. 

Saren’s continued presence at her side seemed to make the process of fixing the meal longer and more difficult than it should have been. But the few glances she’d sneaked had taken in the intense, almost curious stare as he watched her work. She couldn’t really bring herself to ask for some space, not when he actually seemed  _ interested _ in what she was doing. 

There was a sort of peace, in them being so close like this, just… doing something normal. Their relationship had never quite been anything but unusual, from the moment they met until their reunion the day before.   
  
A bit of normalcy felt nice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -flops over- I don't even know, I'll just hope I stop hating what I've written once I get past this section.


	3. Siren

“What did the councilor want?” 

Saren lifted his eyes at the sound of her voice, fingers hovering over the keyboard of his omnitool. Nova wasn’t looking at him, at least not fully - half of her attention remained on the plate in front of her, which was covered in… spirits, he didn’t even know what that stuff was. It certainly didn’t look like anything edible, just all off-white slush and darker liquid pooling around it, with a strangely-shaped piece of pastry to the side. Saren fought down a shudder of disgust as he removed his gaze from the offending pus-like substance, instead clicking his mandibles as he focused in on his woman. 

He wasn’t exactly reluctant to speak of the meeting. It held no dangerous secrets or sensitive information pertinent to the fate of the galaxy and any of its denizens. 

No, it was more like the subject he’d been called in for was irritating to dwell on - as was the memory of the councilor himself. Sparatus may have shared much of Saren’s dislike and mistrust of humanity, but the two of them had rarely gotten along since a certain incident a good couple of decades back. Even with Saren being the politician’s veritable golden boy, their conversations always held a sharp bite as they stalked around each other’s words like predators ready to tear into one another’s necks. 

She was finally looking at him now, those large emerald eyes expectant as she took small bites of that disgusting mush. Saren took a moment to clear his throat, shoving aside all thoughts of his and Sparatus’ past throw-down sessions. 

“Analysis of my recent performance, primarily. It’s routine, merely a sort of check-up on my activities in recent months to evaluate if I’m… losing my touch, or have suffered long-term physical or mental injuries that would render me unfit to continue working as a Spectre. All Spectres have to deal with it every half a year or so.” 

“Oh… s-so basically a required performance review, l-like.. like corporations and stuff do?” 

“Similar enough at the core, yes.”

“How did they say you were doing?”

Saren’s mandibles fluttered in irritation for a moment before clenching tightly to his jaw, brow plates lowering as he broke away from her gaze. A rumble sounded from his subvocals, giving away more than he would have liked - had Nova been able to understand them, at least. Sometimes he was thankful she couldn’t. 

“He remarked that there had been a noticeable drop in my risk-taking.. something he’s previously lauded me for, as it almost always paid off with accomplishing a task quickly and more efficiently than it otherwise would have been. He questioned whether I was growing… soft. Expressed his  _ worry _ over my physical health, mentioning that perhaps I should see a doctor for a rudimentary examination. He even offered to arrange an appointment for me.” He spat the last sentence with anger, the growl in his second larynx punctuating his distaste at having been spoken to in such a demeaning manner. 

Sparatus had worn a barely-contained smirk the entire time; just the picture of it in his mind made him want to return to the Citadel Tower and punch the old politician hard enough to crack a mandible. 

“I-I… I-I’m sorry..” Her voice quivered, sounding as if she somehow thought herself the cause of his anger. Saren locked his eyes back to hers, allowing just the barest comforting flutter of his mandibles to show. He watched as the girl bit down on her lip, flat teeth merely ghosting across the pink flesh. 

Tantalizing. That siren song still called to him. 

“Do you.. u-um.. think you should get the-”

“No, I do not.”

Her lips clamped shut at his sharp hiss, an apologetic look passing across her face. He bit back a sigh, wondering just how things had gotten to this point - where even a single negative tone in his voice seemed to send her reeling back as if she’d been slapped, regardless of whether it was directed at her or not. He shifted a little in his seat, gaze lingering on her for a moment longer before dropping to his omnitool, his previous work resuming as his talons moved across the interface with practiced deftness. 

“I’m as physically fit as I’ve always been, despite what Sparatus wants to believe is the cause for my sudden lack of desire to risk blowing myself up. With age comes experience and wisdom, especially in this line of work. I’m simply starting to assess situations a bit differently than I’ve done in the past.” 

_ And think about what I could be leaving behind if a gamble failed _ , his mind added, a nagging voice whispering in his ear that he promptly shoved back below the surface. There would be nothing left behind unfinished, should he ever meet an untimely demise while on assignment. 

He kept telling himself that, and for now was still able to force belief. 

“I’m… glad you’re not risking yourself as much… I-I remember some of the stories you’ve told me, like that refinery on Camala..” Saren winced as she said that, remembering with some remorse how much he’d cut and rearranged facts during that particular retelling. Nova didn’t seem to notice the subtle shift of his brow plates, instead continuing on after an audible clink of her utensils, “Even if it.. makes the councilor unhappy or.. worried, s-so long as you’re still getting good results, it shouldn’t matter. The safety of their operative should b-be more of a concern than.. than how they handle things..”

“... As you said, so long as I get results, Sparatus can blanch at my methods all he’d like.” Spectres were prized by the Council, it was true, but their deaths were expected and there were lists as long as the length of the Presidium for replacements whenever one was needed. And Saren noted, with a silent dose of bitterness, how his death may even be seen as a  _ boon _ , should the time ever come to pass. Spirits knew he’d made too many enemies, and even the Councilors had expressed concern about the brutality of some of his methods over the years, regardless of results. 

He wouldn’t be missed. 

“How many Spectres are there, Saren..?” her voice echoed in his mind, before his gaze lifted away from the orange glow of his omnitool. He held her gaze for a moment, thinking, before giving a popping sort of shrug.

“I’m unsure. Enough for the Council’s needs, at the very least. I know only of a few, and one of them is due to the fact  _ I _ was the one who trained them.” 

Thoughts of how young Nihlus was sprang to the forefront of his mind as he spoke. Spirits, he was probably just a little older than Nova, hardly even comparable to Saren’s forty-some years. A low rumble vibrated through his chest, subvocals betraying his thoughts before they even began. The differences between himself and his former protegé were like night and day.. Nihlus was so much better a man than he. Nova would probably like him, if they ever met.. 

_ Stop it _ . 

He shook the intrusive prickles of jealousy out, drowning them under a heavy sigh of weariness as he closed down his omnitool and rose from the chair, trying to ignore the human’s eyes following him. He had no reason to feel anything about what Nova would or wouldn’t think of the younger Spectre, especially so when he was going to  _ ensure _ Nihlus never found out about his little foray into humans. Nova wasn’t his mate, and he had no right to feel possessive over a woman he’d made no promises to. 

Or so he told himself, as he ladled the last bit of stew from the heated pot and threw the entire cup back in one gulp. 

He looked down at the emptiness of both for a moment, suddenly wishing there was more. It wasn’t the best, but damn if her aptitude for cooking turian cuisine hadn’t surprised him by how.. ingestible it was. 

“I-I can make more, if you.. um..” 

Saren turned to look down at the girl, who now stood by his arm. He tensed, realization dawning on him that she’d easily snuck behind him with not a single sound, no indication of her presence - the thought made his instincts scream profanities at how easily he could have just died, were this a battlefield and she an enemy. It would have been so easy to sneak a blade through his ribs and end it all. 

Maybe Sparatus had been right about him losing his touch. 

“Saren?” she asked, her voice grounding him back in reality and easing away the troubled thoughts. His hand found her jaw, talons snaking along the curve until his palm settled on her cheek, a low vibration of desire finding its way through his second larynx. She wasn’t an enemy. She was anything but, and as the flush erupted on her skin, Saren allowed the growl to whisper out as he moved closer, other arm wrapping around her waist. 

Spirits, she was so fragile. His grip on her tightened unconsciously, as if afraid she’d shatter any minute now, a beautiful dream gone to the smoke and fire his life had been before he’d fell into this. 

He finally gave in to the siren’s song, lifting the girl’s face as he leaned down and pressed his mouth to hers - ghosting over the soft skin until he finally heard her mewl and part those lips for him. But he merely allowed her to lick over his mouth plates, not snaking his own out to capture her as he would have done. Spirits, her mouth was like silk across his hide, caressing him in such an intimate way he almost wanted to push her away in fear. Instead, his arm just held her all the tighter, pressing that small body against his own until he felt her malleable breasts squeezing along his lower chest. 

And then he released her without a word, the heat between them still simmering as he took in the sight of her flushed skin. Another gentle caress of his talons across her cheek was all he gave before his eyes dipped lower, mandibles quirking in irritation as he ran over that constricting Alliance top. 

“I seem to recall buying you clothes that…  _ fit _ you much better than these rags,” he whispered, gaze returning to her own. “Why did you put this back on?”

“I-I.. o-oh, these were j-just.. I-I didn’t think to w-wear something n-nice while shopping, it.. u-um..” Another bite of her slightly-bruised lips, an awkward eye movement that told him there was more to it than just that. But he didn’t pry, merely giving a snort while shaking his head. His hand retreated from her face, once more ghosting to her shoulder before he gently applied pressure and nodded his head towards the rest of the apartment. 

If she didn’t find shopping to be a good enough reason to wear any of those dresses, then he’d find her one that did warrant it. She was too beautiful to be hid away under damned Alliance civvies. 

* * *

 

Nova was glad Saren hadn’t come into the bedroom with her. After making a show of ordering her to change, he’d pushed her into the space and closed the door behind him - though she hadn’t heard his footsteps retreating afterwards. Hovering just outside, more than likely. 

She winced as she unbuttoned her pants and sat down on the bed to ease them off her legs. She could still see the angry redness of her chafing peeking out from beneath her underwear, and once more that worry of the length of the rash showing from under a skirt pricked at her. How long would it last this time? The thought of trying to perform tasks in the training program while having the insides of her legs burning with a dull throb, like a thousand tiny needles pressing into them, didn’t sit well with her. She walked to the medigel dispenser more gingerly than was necessary, spreading some of the cool liquid along the inside of her thighs and rubbing until it started sinking into the heated flesh, bringing with it a relief as the pain began to numb while the paste worked its magic. 

If only it could completely get rid of it with just one application. Medigel was meant more to seal open wounds than take care of abrasions or rashes like this. 

Shaking her head, she waited until it dried completely before stripping off her top and throwing it to meet with the pants as she walked towards the bag still resting near the bed. 

Did he have a preference? 

The question followed her as she pulled out different boxes and wrapped packages, looking at the contents of each as a pile grew around her. The one she’d worn out the day before had been one of the few that didn’t have her dropping her eyes from the mirror in embarrassment, painful questions behind her eyes of what Saren would think of her. Did they even matter anymore, after last night? If nothing else, Saren had made it clear he wanted her body, even if the rest of him may have still felt only friendship… or toleration, whichever it had become over the past year. But did that make it okay for her to just be dressing up like she was.. Nova shook her head, feeling an uncomfortable fist balling in the back of her throat before she swallowed it down. 

_ Trust him. Trust he won’t turn you away. _

She finally settled on a dark blue dress, the material a soft velvet with sky-colored metals dotting the low-cut collar. The skirt was all-too-short, something that seemed to be shared among many of the items Nova didn’t recall throwing into the “yes” pile, but as she slipped off her bra and pulled it on, no part of her chafing seemed to show. The collar was high on her neck, making it difficult to slip on the brace that came with it - a thin strip of the same dark blue and sky-colored arrangement. 

Gods, how long had it been since she’d been able to feel like an actual woman? The soft fabric clinging to every inch of her reminded her of the stiffness of Alliance uniforms that she’d suffered through for a year now. 

Shoes followed, a tall pair with a wedge heel that she almost thought she’d fall over in for lack of practice, but soon Nova was in the bathroom, looking over herself in the mirror as she brushed through her hair again. The hairbrush had been yet another surprise she’d met with earlier that day - another reminder of just how much planning Saren must have done for the eventuality that they’d end up here.. together again and tangling within each other’s arms.

Would he keep them around, even after she was gone? 

_ Don’t dwell on that right now _ , she told herself, finishing up and trying to force off the tightening fist around her neck, swallowing it down. Exiting the bathroom and crossing the length of the bedroom to the door, her hand hesitated on the console. Fear and expectation laced through her nervous system again, sharp and stinging as her thoughts fought against one another in a dance of confusion.. of hope. 

_ Trust him _ . She realized she would have trusted him even if he’d told her to walk through a living hell just for his amusement. 

She palmed the door and let it slide away, revealing the same illuminated apartment as she stepped out and turned to the side. Saren stood against the railing of the balcony, gaze seemingly fixed to the windows downstairs until the sound of the door snapped his attention back. Silver eyes found her, wrapping her in a blanket of warmth just as easily as it caused a pang of worry in her breast. Nova felt herself shift almost unconsciously, hands twining together in an anxious dance as she let her gaze fall from him to focus on the floor, feeling almost unable to meet that piercing gaze - at least not without thinking she’d melt on the spot from the heat within it. 

A few footsteps stalked towards her, a warm hand finding its way under her chin and lifting her eyes upwards once more. She heard Saren emit a low growling sound, his mandibles flared and twitching for a moment before he moved closer, ghosting his mouth against hers. 

“Better,” was all she heard him say before he pulled away from her, not even giving her time to return the kiss. His head jerked to the side, a silent order to follow as he turned and made his way down the stairs without another glance. Nova followed him without question, thoughts blank except for him - as if caught under a spell, an invisible thread spun between them that bound her to the turian. 

She didn’t even think to ask where they were going, as she followed Saren’s form out of the apartment and down the hallway, allowing him to pull her into the elevator with a firm grip on her wrist. But as they rode down in silence, with Saren pulling the hood of his cloak tightly over his head, Nova realized she didn’t care. His warmth surrounded her, talons encircling her skin with a comfort that she’d never known with anyone else. It didn’t matter where they were going, so long as they were together. 

She flushed at the stares she felt on her from passersby, the two of them walking out into the bulk of the Presidium soon after. What an odd picture they probably made - a huge turian cloaked in black from head to foot, with a hood up to hide away nearly all of his features, and a human girl who barely reached to his chest, dressed like she should have been on a catwalk or in a high-class bar somewhere rather than among the uniform white of the Presidium.   
  
Unconsciously, she pressed closer to Saren - allowing the heat radiating from his body to envelop her like kinetic shields, a barrier from the world around them as he lead her in silence through the winding pathways.


	4. I Was Lost Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, there's artwork to go along with this chapter!

**Buratrum** \- In turian mythology, the realm of the spirits of dishonourable association.

* * *

 

He heard her surprised gasp before ever seeing the shock on her face as they strode from the elevator and stepped foot on the private docking cradle.

Saren couldn’t rightly blame her, not with the view as spectacular as it was - regardless of how little attention he paid it as he gently tugged her after him, finally removing his hood. Only a single keeper could be seen nearby, the cradle empty save for the two of them. It was this reason alone that let him pause just outside the connecting walkway, standing beside the woman as she looked up into the smoky atmosphere of the Serpent Nebula. The sun shone through the mist, bathing the Citadel arms with just the barest scraps of light, and casting purple and pink in a fiery dance across the wisps. It never failed to be a breathtaking view, and as he finally allowed himself a moment to just _stop_ , Saren took it in for the first time in what felt like years.

Strange, how he’d never even spared a glance at the display in the twenty-odd years he’d been a Spectre. There had always been somewhere to be, something on his mind.. but now there was only silence. An unfamiliar sort of peace that snaked across his nervous system like ice, chilling him to the bone. How long had it been since he’d felt… _nothing_? No worries, no paranoia, no shifting eyes glancing at any dark corner or high crate, thinking surely an enemy must be crouched there ready to end him.

He let his talons snake down to Nova’s hand, feeling the human grip them comfortingly. Soon his eyes dipped from the nebula to rest on her - a shining star amid a formerly black sky.

Spirits, the _wonder_ in her gaze as she looked out into that endless expanse spreading from the Ward arms.. his subvocals thrummed with an emotion even he couldn’t identify. That child-like sparkle in her eye seemed to envelope her entire being, and he was reminded of the dreamlike stare she’d given the outside world from that tiny little viewport on his ship… She was maddening, her very presence cutting through his already-fraying control as he threatened to plunge into insanity.

“Come,” he finally whispered, the sound raspy and almost unfamiliar to his own ears as he tugged her hand. Her gaze reluctantly fell away, instead passing over him for but a moment before his eyes focused forward. They crossed the threshold into his ship’s decontamination chamber, standing in silence as the VI’s voice washed over them and the pressurization started. He sensed her gaze still upon him, but didn’t look down even after the decon was complete and the inner bulkhead opened for them.

He didn’t think he could handle looking her in the eye just yet. Too many thoughts seemed to crash upon him all at once as he released her hand and moved to the interior of his ship, turning immediately to the cockpit as if hoping to escape within the familiar surroundings. For over twenty years he’d called this ship home, more of his life having been played out within the sleek walls than anywhere else in the galaxy, the greyish-blue metal seemingly riddled with invisible scars that echoed the very real ones across his hide. Comfort of a different sort settled in his gut as he ran his hand along the offline console, a familiarity and security scraping away the turmoil in his head.

Barely. Some thoughts just wouldn’t leave.

“Saren?” Her voice echoed from the walls like a haunting melody, trapping him in place. It had hardly changed since then - since he’d held her in his arms, Nova having been no more than a frightened child collapsing under the weight of exhaustion and loss. Spirits, he could still hear her strangled cry the first time they’d met on Mindoir, that pathetic mewling for parents who were long gone.

She’d been carved into the memories of his ship just as deeply as anything else, he realized. Years had passed; that night he’d been surrounded by a skeleton crew of other agents. Saren remembered how Tevos had requested their presence accompanying him on some other unimportant assignment he couldn’t even recall, then Sparatus insisting they remain with him as they’d packed up to investigate a supposed slaver raid on the fringes of Council space. He recalled the glares from the others as he’d briefed them on the situation, saying that survivors were not the priority and that the Alliance could handle the cleanup of their dead.

Then the uncomfortable silence within the ship as he’d held that fragile human child.

He shook the memories away, cursing the familiar walls for betraying him. A small hand wrapped around his own, the contact warm. Saren raked his eyes over the soft skin, her fingers so tiny, so… easily broken; two of them pressed together hardly made up the width of a single of his talons. A child’s face eclipsed that of the woman before him, the similarities so absolute that had he retained any doubt of who Nova was, it was dashed as everything fell together like pieces of a puzzle. The same spots all across her nose and cheeks. Those same bright, watery green eyes - threatening to pull him under into their depths.

Spirits, was she a divine wind come to finally whisk him to the depths of _buratrum_?

“Saren..?” Nova asked again, and he finally saw the grown woman in front of him, rather than the ghost of her younger self. He shifted his hand in hers, tightening the grip as he leaned close and nuzzled against her ear. The contact lasted for only a moment before he pulled back, satisfied that he’d waylaid any worries, and gave a slow jerk of his head back towards the opposite end of the ship.

“I want to show you around. Come,” he said, and the girl followed him soundlessly as he swept out of the cockpit and down the length of the CIC. He held her steady as she seemed to step warily along the deck, as if afraid to trip - understandable, given the relative darkness inside. Only fluorescent ambient lights gave any sort of illumination through a grand majority of the ship, the lines crisscrossing over the walls and floors in arching, but uniform, patterns.

The asari touch was obvious throughout the interior, a reminder of the retrofit of the ship. The turian hierarchy hadn’t exactly jumped at the chance to provide him with a state-of-the-art design of their own making, not with the reputation he’d already built upon his induction into the Spectres, as well as his barefaced status; so much for his sacrifice as a young adult meaning anything to the people of Palaven. The upgrades and additions had been an ongoing process over the years until he was finally satisfied and more than a little tired of the constant presence of asari crawling all over the place.

Nova leaned into him heavily as they went through a particularly dark spot on their way to the stairs leading below deck. He quirked a mandible outwards in a grin.

“Difficulties?” he asked, not bothering to hide the amusement in his tone as he paused and looked down to her. Even within the dim ambiance, he could see her skin darkening around her nose.

“I’m sorry, the shoes a-are just… I-I haven’t worn something l-like them in a while, and it’s.. s-sort of hard to see where I’m stepping..”

“Then allow me to assist you, Nova.”

Saren released the girl’s hand, giving her no time to even protest before he leaned down and hooked an arm under her legs, cradling her back with the other as he hoisted her up with ease - the only sound she could manage being a short yelp of surprise. Spirits, she weighed hardly a thing. Her warmth flooded through their contact, and Saren allowed a pleasant rumble to spill through his second larynx as he ignored her sputtering attempt at words, the girl finally growing silent as he held her closely and stepped through the automatic doors to trot down the short staircase. Memories filled his thoughts as she seemed to collapse all her weight against his chest.  


_Soon he found himself catching the human as her legs finally gave way, sending her to the floor had he not intervened. A moment later, he stood upright, carrying the small thing in his arms._

_Bordering between irritation and exasperation, he was stuck sitting in place for the flight back to the Citadel, unable to move due to the small human sitting in his lap._

_The girl had seemingly passed out as soon as they had set off, understandably exhausted from the ordeal she must have went through when the slavers attacked. He hadn’t had much experience in dealing with children of the species, so perhaps they were all as lightweight as she - he had no way of knowing._

_So much warmth coming from that tiny body… it was almost unbelievable._  


“S-Saren..?”

Her voice was a hushed whisper, uttered as if she was afraid the very walls had ears. It broke him out of his recollection, his eyes dipping to find hers again as he paused just outside of the mess station. She bit down on her lip, gaze breaking from his for a moment before returning.

“I-I.. i-it’s brighter down here, I think I’ll.. b-be okay now..” Another tremble in her voice, those tantalizing lips quivering with just the barest hint of emotion. Saren couldn’t help the smile that fluttered his mandibles.

“Let me hold you a little longer, Nova..” he answered, his own voice still that raspy, almost breathless quality it was outside. His grip tightened as if afraid she’d try to bolt from his arms, and he pressed his mouth to her forehead, nuzzling her for a moment and stalling any further protests she may have offered.

Saren almost didn’t recognize himself. Some part of him seemed to linger just outside of his body, watching with anger and disgust as he tenderly held a human woman. A year ago he would have felt his skin crawl simply being this close to one, a subtle growl trying to force its way from his subvocals. What had changed over that time, to make him this… amicable?

No, that wasn’t right. His dislike of humanity was still as rigidly set in place as it had been for over twenty years, and even now as the species continued to expand itself through the galaxy at an aggressive rate and had become the Council’s new pet project, his outspokenness against the Systems Alliance and human expansion was just as opposing as it had always been.

It was only _her_ who seemed to slip under his hatred. For all the circumstances of their rendezvous a year ago, Saren found he couldn’t hate Nova. Become irritated at certain habits of hers, perhaps… but hate was the furthest emotion in his mind when he looked upon her, and the fact of that terrified him. He could hear a disappointed chuckle in the back of his mind, a voice not his own that somehow shook its head before giving him a hard, eerily familiar stare. Saren’s grip on the girl tightened again, and he allowed the careful touch of her hand against his chest to ward away that image.

“Let’s see if you’ve learned anything during the past three months,” he said, nodding his head towards the back of the lower deck. He needed a distraction, needed to hear Nova’s voice flooding over him and consuming his every thought.

He needed her to chase away the disappointed scowl from his brother.

* * *

 

The world around her had seemed to blur into a single landscape, away and in the background, as Nova had allowed Saren to pull her from the majestic view of the Serpent Nebula and into the darkness of his starship. Of all the places she’d expected to be taken to when he’d dragged her from the apartment, the docks was the least likely - but as they had stood in silence while the decontamination program ran, Nova realized this was one of the most important things Saren could show her.

This was his _real_ home. This was the place where he travelled the stars for days, weeks, or even months on end - flitting from one location to another with all the freedom granted to an agent unbound by regulations. The thought of it had her heart swelling, an unnameable emotion surfacing to overtake her entire being as she had looked up to the Spectre.

But as the VI’s droning monotone had finally faded, and the inner bulkhead opened to them, the floating sensation in her breast gave way to a rapid thumping as his hand slipped from hers and he’d moved, quicker than she thought possible, towards the cockpit - as if running from her. The interior was dark, almost to the point of making her fumble around in sudden blindness - but she had moved after the turian, calling his name in confusion, only to find Saren hunched over the flight console, hands braced against the sleek metal and head slightly bowed. She’d drawn closer, twining her hand around his own and squeezing it gently.

There had been something so _vulnerable_ about him, in that moment. When his eyes had finally raised to her own, they’d taken on a haunted look - like he wasn’t quite seeing her in front of him. It made her squeeze all the tighter around his talons, her heart pounding with unfounded guilt and an overpowering desire to just hold him; something about the Spectre had always felt just out of reach, a few missing pieces of a puzzle she’d yet to even begin putting together… the thought had always chilled her, brought tears stinging in her throat on their way to her eyes, where she’d always fought them away. Again, she’d called his name - her voice struggling not to shake as she’d done so. When he had pulled closer, his hand slipping in hers and tightening around her fingers, Nova’s heart had stopped pounding only to sputter out like a drive core, kickstarting when she felt the ghosting of his mouth against her ear - warm breath spilling from his nostrils just enough to send a shiver across her spine.

If only the contact had lasted longer… though Nova had wondered, in that moment, whether it would be too much to take. Saren had always caused her to lose her voice, her train of thought, her very control over her muscles with how he’d touch her or speak to her. But having seen that brief flash of vulnerability, Nova felt like she could easily faint were he to do more than simply cling to her hand.

“I want to show you around,” he’d said, and again they walked hand in hand through the interior of the starship, the fluorescent ambient lights which crisscrossed all along the metal walls and plating giving the place a dim, aquatic sort of glow.

When she’d stumbled in the dark, unused to navigating with the large heels after a year of nothing but combat boots or dress shoes, the smile she heard in his voice sent her heart soaring. Gods, how deeply had she started crushing so that just the ability to amuse him made her so happy? And then just as quickly as she’d tried to flubber out a meek response, she felt his arm locking around her legs, sweeping them clear out from under her as he’d cradled her back with the other, lifting her up so swiftly she’d felt her stomach drop at the sudden elevation. Only a squeak had managed to make it past her lips before she’d quieted down, the familiar warmth in his arms killing any protests of his… “help”.

She remembered those same arms holding her close as a child, her body so overcome with exhaustion and loss that she’d collapsed before they’d ever boarded. To feel it again in much the same way was almost too much to bear. Nova fought tears back as they’d descended a small staircase to the lower deck, refusing to allow her memories to take away the pure joy at feeling his warmth around her.

They were together again, in the same place as before. That was all that mattered to her as he’d shown her briefly around the life support area and starboard deck.

Even when she’d tried to ask to be put down, feeling as if her emotions were about to overwhelm her, the way Saren had tightened his hold and nuzzled her once again sent any protests to the back of her mind. And his words…

 _Let me hold you a little longer_.

Again the haunted look had come upon him, a pause so brief it may have been imperceptible to anyone else. At a single touch of her hand against his chest, however, the faraway visage had faded, and his hold tightened all the harder until she nearly felt talons digging into her skin - just gentle enough not to break through.

She wasn’t sure what had prompted his sudden pop quiz over a starship’s interior, but that was soon what Nova found herself doing as he carried her through the rest of his home, drumming off questions. Saren pointed to a console and asked what its purpose was, and she answered after a moment’s hesitation. They then moved on towards the outer edge of the lower deck, Saren giving a quick flick of his jaw towards a row of rectangular installments.

“And this is?” he prompted, and Nova gave a slight flush as she struggled to pick out the right word. She knew what they were; much of the crew slept in similar objects back on the _Hong Kong_ , with the rest retreating to the crew quarters. It was some sort of bedding, but what had been the proper word..?

“Oh! S-Sleeper pods..” she finally said, and the smile in his voice once more set her heart racing.

“Correct.”

Nova couldn’t help finding the exercise a little fun. So many parts of a ship had simply become second nature for her to know the purpose of, so actually having to remember details of each console, system, sleeper pod and whatever else was actually sort of welcome. After all, Corona had said, at one point, that it was important to know your ship inside and out - it was a home as much as a place of work, and the more everyone knew about each part of a vessel, the more cohesively they could all work to upkeep it.

A smile rose to her lips as she recalled the animated way her cousin had said that, surrounded by half the engineering crew who had all been looking at her with barely-contained grins.

“What are you thinking about, woman?” she heard Saren say, and looked up to find him staring intently at her. Even in the darker lighting aboard the ship, somehow those silver pinpricks seemed to glow with an inner shine. Not that turians had reflective lenses the way cats did.. or at least, Nova didn’t _think_ they did. The current situation being as it was, she thought better of asking.

“Nothing,” she said, an embarrassed stutter of a laugh escaping even as she felt her face heating at the fire in his stare. Almost unconsciously, she leaned against his chest and broke their gaze, trying to get herself under control. “I was just thinking… Corona, she s-said once that.. we should all know the _Hong Kong_ i-inside and out, so we c-could better take care of it.. This is just reminding me of that, is all…”

She felt him tense. It was brief, lasting but a moment - but it was long enough to make Nova’s heart nearly stop, eyes widening and snapping back up to the Spectre only to find he’d turned away. A single, sharp flick of his mandibles was the only indication she was given for something being amiss, the hard plates clenching tightly against the sides of his mouth as he finally set her down.

_Don’t…_

Fear gripped her at the loss of contact, her head spinning as she was set upright after so long. Nova fell against his arm, hands finding their way to his talons and clinging to them as if she was adrift at sea - thankful that he allowed it. Just as soon as she was stable on her feet, however, he moved away, just barely dragging her behind him with hardly any force applied as they travelled back up the length of the ship and down a small side corridor. A sturdy bulkhead door met them, Saren quickly palming the control for it - and then repeating the process on another, sleeker door just a few steps away from the first, until finally they stepped into a sparse lounge area. Nova’s eyes took in the neat, modern leather sofa, following the uniform cut of it across to a kitchenette, made out of the same greyish-blue metal as the rest of the ship and almost blending into the background were it not for the dark obsidian-colored handles.

But as she stepped inside, hearing the _whoosh_ of the door closing behind them, Nova’s eyes followed the Spectre as he released her hand. The loss of contact was like a bucket of ice water being dumped over her, sudden and leaving her nearly breathless as she could do nothing more than stand there, mourning the lack of his warmth. And then she heard a button click, a silent unfurling of what she’d formerly thought to be an odd pattern in the frontal wall panel. It slid from sight, and with it, unveiled a familiar view.

Despite the suffocating feeling of Saren removing himself from her, Nova’s eyes were almost forcibly drawn to that same beautiful crescendo of pinks and purples that made up the haze of the Serpent Nebula.

* * *

 

He spared her a single glance after the protective shielding completely retracted from the viewport.

Enraptured.

Saren felt another prickle of jealousy, almost wishing he hadn’t unfurled the shutters and instead threw the girl down on the couch. Spirits, but he only wanted her to see _him_. Nothing else - no Commander Shepard, no nebula, not a single thing other than his eyes digging claws deep into her soul, trapping her and binding her to him. Yet even as those thoughts took root in his mind, he couldn’t help watching her with a gentle expression as she finally moved closer, eyes never once leaving the display outside the window as her hand reached out towards the reinforced glass. Those delicate fingers pressed so featherlight upon it that, for a moment, seeing her bathed in the glow from the sun almost made her take on a translucent shimmer - like a ghost bathed in stardust.

She almost didn’t seem real, in that brief few seconds… so otherworldly that Saren found himself reaching out to her, his talons barely grazing the girl’s shoulder, as if to make _sure_ she was real. He didn’t know what he would do if she wasn’t. Nova had already become such a confusing part of his life, so deep-rooted into his subconscious that he could feel his hand shake at the thought of waking up and being met with the realization that she was just a dream.. an infuriatingly beautiful, undeserved dream.

“This is beautiful, Saren.. I-I… I didn’t think your ship would have something l-like this..”

“It was part of the retrofits this starship underwent. A choice that was made _for_ me, rather than with my blessing.. but by the time I had seen it, the workers were already so close to finishing it that I found the idea of having it removed to be more troublesome than keeping it.” He still remembered that day, his shouting having terrified half the asari workers onboard and sending one of them away in tears. He hadn’t felt remorse, having been utterly sick of the naive romanticism humans and asari seemed to share for the depths of space. “I thought it a structural weakness, and still do… but I suppose with three layers of reinforced, shatter-and-shock proof glass, an exterior bulkhead cover and interior panel.. it’s acceptable.”

“... Have you ever sat here, between missions..? Just..”

Saren’s eyes never left her as she quieted down, her lips closing for a moment before she allowed her hand to slide further down the glass. His mandibles flicked as he remained silent, thinking over his words. There had been some days where, after a particularly grueling assignment or investigation, he’d come into the room and just stare out of the viewport until he fell asleep - few and far between though they were.

“Sometimes.. Even I can appreciate the beauty inherent in the cold darkness of the galaxy, however rarely I partake in it. It feels like years since I even did this… just stopped and took it in.”

“Does your crew ever use this room..? It feels like it’s rarely seen company..”

“I have no crew, Nova.”

“What?” He found her eyes whipping around to him, an expression of shock momentarily coloring her soft features before it was replaced by a more unreadable expression. “You.. fly this ship alone..?”

“Yes. Some Spectres work together, or with small teams - others work alone, like myself. I find it easier to manage my assignments and affairs when I don’t have a crew of five, ten, or twenty all cradled inside this ship.” He fluttered his mandibles once more, letting out a dry bark of a laugh. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Nova… but I am not exactly a sociable person.”

“... So you never get lonely, on the long missions where.. where you’re gone for months..?”

There was a certain emotion behind the human’s words, though Saren couldn’t even begin to identify it. It worried him enough that he moved closer, his hand still ghosting across the skin of her exposed shoulder - never quite touching, but only a hair’s breadth away.

“I don’t, usually.. I’ve been on my own for over twenty years, Nova. Even if I did desire the company of others, I have had more than adequate time to get used to being alone. I prefer it like this.”

Silence fell on them once more, his woman barely scraping her teeth across her lips before lowering her eyes and turning back towards the viewport. Again, her face was bathed in the dim white light of Widow, filtered through the myriad conflagration of the nebula obscuring it. The ghostly visage made any further expressions completely unreadable, and so Saren too finally turned his eyes to the window, allowing himself to fully take in the scene as he chewed over his own muddled thoughts. But a glance was spared, over the next few minutes, his eyes raking over the glow of the woman’s skin until he finally reached those emerald jewels, reflecting the sun’s light in a dazzling display. With those little dots all across her cheeks finally drowned out, he could focus on her eyes more clearly.   

“It would be nice..” he heard her whisper, after what felt like an eternity of awkward stillness.

Saren edged just a little closer, subvocals letting out a soothing chirp that urged her to continue - though he also vocalized it through his primary larynx. “What are you on about?”

“I was.. just thinking how.. how nice it would be, to be able to travel the depths of space with you. No worries, no obligations, j-just.. endless floating. This ship is so beautiful, but it.. thinking of you alone here, for months at a time, I-I just.. it makes me wish I could be here with you, during those times..”

“I’d never want that,” he spat, with a bite that was unexpected even to himself. Saren clenched his mandibles against his jaw, entire body having gone tense as she’d spoken. But even despite the reaction her words had caused, he winced as the response left his throat and cut into the air of silence surrounding them. He heard, rather than saw her utter a small cry - like a frightened animal thrown across the room in a fit of rage from a predator. The sound pierced his chest with a sharp pain, remorse spilling from his second larynx as he turned back to the girl only to feel his muscles tighten and his mouth go dry.

Tears. Spirits, was that all he could give her?

His talons finally ran over her skin, hand clenching tightly onto her arm and pulling her towards him. The light of Widow caused the moisture running from her eyes to glitter, sending shimmering trails across her cheeks - and driving another dagger deep into his gut, wrenching it with a twist so that he could feel every ounce of pain he had brought upon her with his idiotic outburst. He brought another hand up to caress through her hair, pushing it aside as it began clinging to her wet skin and smoothing it away, until finally cupping her cheek with his lower palm. He brought her gaze upwards, focused it to him as a low keen escaped his subvocals.

“I don’t want you to cry, Nova,” he began, voice raspy and so _raw_ it left him feeling more vulnerable than he had ever felt before. He traced his thumb over the girl’s skin, soothing her. “Let me explain… As much as I would appreciate having you close to me, at all times, I couldn’t handle it. My line of work is too dangerous, and regardless of my skills or how well I plan and execute courses of action, there is _always_ the possibility of something backfiring, something unexpected happening. I couldn’t ensure your safety, because I can hardly ensure my own.. putting you in danger like that, just for the sake of some company during my month-long excursions, isn’t worth it to me.”

His other hand fell from her shoulder to her waist, bringing her closer until there was only a hair’s breadth between them. _Spirits_ , she was beautiful, even covered in tears as she was. And so small, so fragile against him.. the mere thought of losing her due to his own carelessness while on assignment filled him with a fear, a cold dread that spread through his bones like ice.

“As much as I would like your company, your touch.. I would never ask you to join me here. I will not put your safety at risk.”

Her tears seemed to halt, however barely. He swiped away a few strays that ran down, leaning closer until he could see every detail within her eyes, every strange wisp and ridge that made up the iris. Her scent was overwhelming, this close. It pulled him in, chased away that chill like a raging fire flooding through him, reigniting his blood as he pulled her so tightly against him there was no space to breathe - his brow plates nearly ghosting across her forehead.

_Artwork done by the lovely[masseffxt](http://masseffxt.tumblr.com/), over on Tumblr!_    
  
 

He pulled away just before they touched, closing his eyes and enjoying her scent for a single moment more.

“Let’s go. I doubt either of us wants to waste the entire day here in my ship..” he said as his gaze found hers again, hands falling from her only to offer one, which she took without hesitation. Nova gave a single nod, wiping at her eyes with a whispered apology.  
  
Saren only gave a wan smile in response.


	5. I Won't Say I'm..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was trying to aim for 5 chapters to finish, but as usual, this thing got away from me and grew more heads. Hopefully it will be finished at 6 chapters... hopefully. @.@

They returned in relative silence to the apartment, Saren having never once let go of her hand. 

The gesture was appreciated, even as Nova felt her heart still unclenching from earlier - trying to resume its regular pace as she forced herself to remember his words. She had to trust him, even as every insecurity and worry she’d held over the past year seemed to worm its way into her mind. But when he’d looked at her that way, with a  _ rawness _ so unnatural and unexpected she nearly hadn’t recognized him, Nova was sure of at least one thing.

He was sincere in what he’d said - everything from his worry over ensuring her safety, to the desire to have her with him aboard his ship. 

She squeezed his hand tightly as they continued through the apartment, both walking in sync up the glass staircase and into his bedroom. It was only here that she allowed his talons to slip from her fingers, watching as he made his way to the terminal and brought up his omnitool. She didn’t let her gaze linger on his activities, instead slipping into the bathroom and turning on the faucet, splashing her tear-streaked face with cold water. Her cheeks had felt gross for the entire trip back, to the point she’d kept her head dipped down until Saren had finally decided to call a skycar for them. Feeling the clean water running over her skin now, she couldn’t help sighing with relief. 

Upon exiting the bathroom, refreshed and with her heart rate finally returning to more manageable levels, she found Saren just closing out his omnitool. Their eyes met, and for a moment he simply stared at her in silence, mandibles seeming to vibrate in an odd manner of expression that she couldn’t place. Just as she made to move towards him, the turian stepped closer, the tips of his talons raising to ghost over her cheeks.

“Do you feel better now?” 

There was still a worrying sort of whisper to his voice. Nova reached up and gently took his hand again, trying to give him a reassuring smile. That vulnerability still swam behind the beautiful silver of his eyes, capturing her with its openness where before, she had found only walls. 

“Yes..” she finally replied, giving his rough palm a slight squeeze. “I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have..”

“Don’t.” A single word, a command she followed as if on instinct. Nova let her words die, mouth closing as she merely gazed up at the man standing before her. He released a short sigh, withdrawing his talons and slipping out of her grasp yet again. Just as soon as he seemed to pull away, however, Nova found him pressing forward, mouth meeting her own as he dipped his head downwards, the contact gentle.. almost hesitant. The barest graze of his tongue against her lips was the furthest it went before, again, he pulled back. But as he stared at her this time, his voice hissed out, “I’m afraid I have.. another question for you.” 

“Saren…?” 

She saw his nostril plates move with a quick, silent inhale, eyes drifting from hers as he did so. A hand found its way to her shoulder, his talons gently caressing her skin as he stepped around her, posture rigid and movements like that of a stalking predator. The contact remained as she felt him stop directly behind her, pressure carefully applied as he pulled her closer against his chest. 

A familiar spark passed between them, as she heard a buckle being unfastened. 

“Why do you desire someone like me?” he asked, the metallic flanging of his voice almost nonexistent. 

“I.. w-what do you mean, ‘someone like you’..? Saren, y-you’re strong, h-handsome, warm-”

“I’ve  _ killed _ people, Nova,” he hissed, the sound weak and raspy, as if he was forcing the words out. “Hundreds of people over the years. Many were humans.. some of them  _ begged _ me to spare them, pleaded for their lives with money, information, appeals to the heart they thought I supposedly had.”

His talons clenched tighter, not quite to the point of pain but bringing with it an unsettling discomfort as his words settled over her like a slow-moving frost.

“Some Spectres take prisoners, or simply bargain with a suspect and then turn them over to local authorities. Some Spectres approach situations with diplomacy and nonviolence. I was not…  _ am _ not one of those. Every time, I chose to end someone’s life. It didn’t matter if they were turian, human, batarian, or anything else. It didn’t matter how big or small their role had been; they could have been a simple dock worker who made a deal to spy for a mercenary group. It never mattered to me - I chose to kill. I  _ wanted _ to kill. It seemed the best solution to every problem, the only way to ensure that justice was served.” 

“S-Saren..” 

She heard him give a short sigh. “I have painted a blurred picture for you, Nova. Presented a man who is less ruthless, less callous in his actions.”

The ice finally seemed to settle through much of her veins, sinking deep into her skin as he spoke. She wasn’t exactly naive to the things he had to do as a Spectre - it was only to be assumed that he would have to kill in order to protect others. And despite how fervently she tried to see the best in people, it was undeniable that many evils existed in the galaxy, villains who thought little of the lives they ruined or the crimes they committed - who rightly deserved death. But hearing the strangled emotion in his voice as he admitted to killing even low level spies and criminals seemed to bring down the full weight of his burden on her shoulders. No one could ever take the life of another and come out perfectly okay on the other side.. And even despite hearing no regret in his voice, Nova  _ felt _ it radiating from him. There were some things he had done, people he had killed, that made him regret. 

“I-I…” She paused, licking over her lips. Her mouth had seemed to dry under the frost coating her. But despite the lump working its way into her throat, Nova pressed on, “I-I know… I know what you are, Saren.. what you have to do, in order to keep the galaxy safe..” 

“How can you still look at me and want me, Nova? Understanding necessity is not the same as accepting brutality where none was needed.. How can you still look at me, knowing how many of your people I have killed without remorse, without even a thought spared for their death?” 

She felt him exhale, the sound shaky and.. almost terrified, it seemed. 

“How can you look at me and not see a monster, the way the rest of the galaxy does?”

“Because you  _ aren’t _ a monster..” How desperately she wanted to turn and embrace him, to show him  _ why _ she could see past the smoke and fire that followed him, the bodies he left in his wake. Nova bit back a new wave of tears, heart pounding against her ribcage as she took a breath to steady herself. Saren’s harsh bark of a laugh sent a jolt through her, but she pressed on, “You saved me… t-that night in Chora’s. N-No one had moved to help me, n-no one thought to step in and get those men away from me. You’ve said so often h-how you.. how you despise my species, hate the Alliance, f-feel as if we’re growing too quickly and without a care to those w-we share this galaxy with. But… despite all of those feelings, you h-helped me. You didn’t even know me, and the first thing I did was c-crash into you like an idiot. I was just another human, b-but you still..”

_ You took me away from the charred remains of a life stolen from me. You saved me from Mindoir _ .

“... I couldn’t idly sit by once I saw what those men wanted. Their eyes showed me every vile thought going through their minds, that look was too familiar.. Human or no, you were still a defenseless woman.” He gave another hiss, the sound softer and with a noticeable keen flanging alongside it. For a moment, he fell silent, but just as she was going to turn and face the turian, Nova felt a touch on the back of her head. Saren was pressing his forehead against her, brow moving just subtly enough for her to realize it - and the warmth in the contact seemed to flood through her, melting away the ice. She felt him give a slight shake of his head. “No.. barely more than a child. And then I became no better than those filthy animals who harassed you. I took you, hurt you-”

“No!” 

The strength in her voice surprised even her, and Nova could feel Saren tense behind her, an audible click signalling his jaw shutting. She bit her lip, once again forcing back a lump trying to lodge itself in her throat. “Y-You didn’t… you never hurt me, Saren. Y-You took me with consent, you gave me a choice to stop, y-you.. you never did even a f-fraction of what those men would have.”

“We were both too drunk to even think properly, Nova-”

“I still w-wanted it. I… I was the one who started things, I a-acted the way I did, at Chora’s, in the car.. Even if some of it w-was due to the alcohol, I.. wanted you so badly it felt like my body was on fire. You burned trails across m-my skin, every time you touched me..”

Her hand raised to his, her fingers just barely touching the talons digging into her. A smile found its way to her lips. 

“You’ve never been a monster to me, Saren.. whenever I-I’m with you, I feel… safe. I feel protected and cared for. You’re kind… r-rough around the edges, sure.. and sometimes your words can be upsetting.. you’ve lived a life that forced you to be h-harsh, to be.. cold to people. But I know y-you aren’t a monster.”

Another pause, silence falling between them like a storm cloud threatening to rain hail and ice upon them. Gods, she hoped he couldn’t feel the tremble passing through her.

Finally, she heard a single word - hardly a whisper, so quiet she almost couldn’t make it out. 

“How?”

“... The morning after, you could have walked out before I ever woke up.. you could have left me to deal with the pain on my own. But you didn’t, Saren.. y-you stayed, you applied medigel to my injuries.. even when I could feel how angry and.. and upset you were, y-you still… helped me to the shower. You could have denied my request to stay in contact, but you didn’t.. y-you could have blocked me immediately w-when I sent you a message, but you didn’t. You didn’t have to speak to me as often as you did, you didn’t h-have to check in the way you did every time you finished a mission, you didn’t.. have to offer advice and encouragement to me, when I felt as if I-I’d made a mistake enlisting..”

_ You didn’t have to rescue me from Mindoir. You could have left me to rot in the death and fire. _

Nova tightened her hold on the hand still clinging to her shoulder. Saren’s breathing was quiet, the only indication of it a gentle flutter down her neck. She felt his other hand snake up over her waist, featherlight and gentle - as if afraid he’d hurt her. The action only gave her more conviction in her words, more proof that what she said was the truth. 

“You’ve told me how you despise my species.. yet you’ll be this close to me, l-let me touch you.. You never had to allow any of this, do any of the things you’ve done for me over the past year, but you did. Saren… how could I ever think of a man as kind as you as a monster..?”

* * *

 

She was infuriating. 

So innocent, so damned naive… but his chest ached as he listened to her words pour over him, subvocals thrumming with a pathetic keen as her scent surrounded him. Hesitating even now, he could do little more than press his forehead against her, hold her tightly as she spoke in that maddeningly soft voice.

For a year, he had painted the picture of a man utterly unlike himself. He had doctored stories, falsified information, expunged details that brought to light the sort of ruthless brutality that had made so many fear him. He’d made himself into the sort of man  _ Nihlus _ was - his parallel, his mirror, someone so much less cruel and who accomplished things with an efficiency to rival his own, without so much unnecessary violence. And for what? To avoid scaring her away? To give her a less blood-stained ideal of himself, so that she would continue to desire him? 

A harsh laugh slipped from his throat, breaking against his teeth and mandibles as it spilled out. All this time, she would have still wanted the monster. Saren was no longer entirely certain of her sanity… or his own, as he slipped his hand from her grasp and drew her closer, lifting his head to nuzzle against her ear. 

Spirits, he needed to feel her again. Drown out the pain, burn away the confusion. 

“You’re mine, Nova,” he finally said, allowing his breath to whisper over her skin. A decree. A decision finally made, after so long. He may not understand the emotions she conjured within him, but he was sure of one single thing. 

No one else could ever have her. 

A surprised whimper left her lips as he caressed up her sides, hands finally coming to dip under her breasts and lifting them - massaging them with a slow, kneading motion. He’d leave his mark across her again, deep inside of her womb. He’d carve his scent into her very bones, one inch at a time. 

“S-Sare-nn~” 

He relished in her cries, the quiet little squeaks she made as he held her close and finally pulled away the soft fabric of her dress. Her skin was still so soft, so malleable; his talons carefully raked across the sensitive pink buds, squeezing them between two fingers as his other hand roughly palmed at her breast.  _ Spirits _ , why did human women have such squishy anatomy? It was going to drive him mad. He felt the skin stretch and undulate over his claws, with an almost liquid-like quality that just made him fondle them more, until he felt Nova’s head thrown back against his chest. 

_ Say my name again. Scream it. _

Yet even as his mind screamed at him to shove her down on the bed, force her onto her hands and knees like his own personal whore and have his way with her, Saren pushed the thoughts away - replacing them with something far more gentle, actions he never thought himself capable of but desiring to perform all the same. His subvocals released another low keen, desperate and hungry for his woman, as he slowly edged them towards the mattress. He gave her breasts one last, gentle squeeze before letting a growl escape from his throat, turning her and sitting her down on the bed. 

Hands slid down again, his thumbs hooking under the fabric of her dress and gently tugging it downwards. Nova, smart girl that she was, moved herself as needed in order to help the process, laying back on the bed and lifting her hips as he pulled it over her legs. The clothing finally fell to the floor at his feet, and her shoes soon followed - leaving the woman in just a thin pair of white undergarments which hugged her hips in a tantalizing way. But his eyes lingered on the redness that could be seen between her thighs, a regretful hum escaping his subvocals as he winced at the damage he’d caused. Taking her again would just worsen it… but spirits be damned, he couldn’t bring himself to stop now. 

“It’s okay..” 

Saren felt a light tug on his hand, Nova’s voice drawing his eyes away from the chafing and to her fingers wrapping gently around his talons. She gave a small smile, eyes betraying the worry she felt yet adamantly urging him onwards. Again, those perfect lips parted as she continued, “I-I’ll be okay. I want this, Saren… p-please.” 

He only responded with a low rumble, leaning down and nuzzling into the side of her neck before licking a trail up to her ear. If she wanted him, then she would have him - every inch, every last drop, every piece of his soul laid bare as he claimed her. 

And so he gave her what she desired. His tongue didn’t stop at her ear, continuing to run over the oddly-shaped shell before following the line of her jaw, until finally he pressed his mouth to her own and let their tongues dance around each other. Her breath spilled out against him, hot and panting with need the more he teased her. Carefully, he pressed his frontal teeth against her lips and nibbled, wary of the sharpness but finding the whimper she released to be utterly worth the risk. Again, he took her bottom lip in his teeth and tugged, barely pressing down with any force, and when he finally returned to using his tongue, he felt only the slightest indentation from them on her now-bruised mouth. 

Hands roamed over her, talons circling around her breasts before he took them again, kneading with more force than before - hungry, wanting. Her own hands found their way to his, and for a moment his first instinct was to cuff her with his biotics, just as he had always done. But as the girl moaned his name - the sound utterly haunting, captivating in its weakness - Saren thought better of it, and allowed the contact. They soon left regardless, as he moved down and trailed his tongue over a perked bud. He felt her fingers run across his fringe, trembling with the pleasure he was providing her and as before… travelling as if she was committing every detail to memory. 

He planned to do the same. Not a single inch of her body would be left untouched tonight - he’d worship her as she had always worshipped him. 

* * *

 

Spirits, she was beautiful. 

Seeing the girl’s skin covered in a fine sheen of sweat had his subvocals thrumming in pleasure, feeling the intense heat between them. It was almost unnatural - Saren felt as if he was back on Therum, boiling under its relentless sun and surrounded by volcanic ash. As he ran his hands along Nova’s thighs, he couldn’t help being almost thankful for humans possessing a lower body temperature than his own species. Sliding across her skin felt like he was dipping his hands in cool water, refreshing and working to offset the burn. 

Dipping between her legs, he pressed his tongue against her pink slit, easily tasting the beginnings of her arousal. Her hips bucked in response to his motion, and a cry drifted down to him, but Saren merely let it spur him onwards as he slowly licked deeper between her lips, running along the length of her inner walls, already feeling them contract and squeeze around his foreign invasion. Another buck of her hips only drove him deeper; his hands found their way to her stomach and thigh, pressing against them just enough to hold them down as he tasted all of her. 

He’d never get enough of her taste, or how her body reacted to his probing; it bent and twisted around his searching tongue, tighter and more suffocating as he continued on. It felt like an eternity before she let loose another cry - louder this time, desperation clinging to the undercurrent enough so that he finally paused in his ministrations, simply panting out against her raw sex. 

Already she was so close. A few more thrusts of his tongue were all he allowed the girl before retreating from her entirely, stifling a grin at the frustrated whine she gave. 

She’d find him cruel for the break in contact, but as he looked upon her, he felt it worth a brief moment of her suffering just for the sight laid before him. Her breasts heaved with every unsteady breath she took; lips were parted, bruised and red just as the chafing between her legs; her slit shone with his handiwork, wet and awaiting more of him - but not yet, he told himself, for there were for more things he wished to do before he sunk himself into her. Even as the rash along her thighs and crotch seemed to glow with anger, reminding him of what he was risking by taking her again, a single look from her sent the bubbling guilt back into his subconscious. He leaned close, kissing her again with a passion that seemed to singe along his mouth plates like a flame. 

Her hands closed around his own, and as they finally broke apart, he stared into her eyes - emerald pools so deep he feared he may drown in them were he not careful. The smile she gave was so…  _ pure _ . Filled with a terrifyingly raw emotion he couldn’t name. 

She’d be the death of him. There was no doubt in his mind of that anymore. 

* * *

 

He settled back against the headboard with a grunt, motioning for her to move closer. The mere sight of Nova crawling on her hands and knees towards him would have been more than enough to part his plates, and now only served to make his length all the harder. Mandibles flicked outwards in a taunting grin as her voluptuous breasts pressed against the hard carapace surrounding his chest, soon followed by a low purr as her fingers ghosted across the more sensitive hide of his neck. 

They shared another kiss, chaste and quick but the feel of it lingering on his mouth plates long after she withdrew and shyly reached a hand down to his member. A single look was all she gave, eyes questioning - almost seeming frightened, though he knew it was merely a byproduct of her inexperience. He’d never much allowed her to decide anything during intercourse, instead dominating her and bending her to his will - not that she had ever offered up complaints. Now, however, he seemed to await her actions with barely-contained excitement, and gave a quick nod to urge her onwards. 

Her movements were slow at first, hesitant. Curled fingers lightly ran along the ridges of his length, slow and methodical as she found a rhythm that worked well for her. But as soon as her hand picked up speed, Saren let out an appreciative growl. Her hands were so much smaller, running across his shaft far longer than his own ever could, giving the entire run of it equal attention as she began lightly ghosting her nails along the underside. Saren noted the flush along her cheeks, the nervous way she bit her lip as she seemed to debate whether to look at her movements or not, until he finally gave a slight buck of his hips upward into her grip. All her attention was on it at that point, a small moan escaping. 

How he longed to order her to use her mouth again - his mandibles flicked as he forced the words down. But Saren would remain patient, allow the woman to go at a pace comfortable to her until she felt confident enough to attend to it in that manner once more. Spirits knew she wasn’t terrible at - what had Nihlus called it? A “blowjob”?

His patience was quickly rewarded, as Nova soon shifted to crawl between his legs, steadying herself against his thighs as she leaned down and gave a single, cautious lick to the tip. Again, a glance upwards to him - answered with yet another nod. And with it, her lips descended on his shaft, taking it into the warmth of her mouth as her tongue swirled over the underside. Saren let out another growl, deeper and more ferocious than before. 

_ Spirits _ , she was too good at this. And luckily for him, she seemed to learn more with each encounter, her licks having more confidence behind them as the only sound in the room became his rumbling subvocals and the wet squelch of her mouth working around him. He let a single hand travel to her head, talons carefully tangling in her hair as she bobbed along his shaft, eyes closed and moans spilling out from around him.

“Remember to breath…” he whispered, barely containing a moan of his own as he pet her. The sound of a moist pop was his response, his length slipping from her mouth as she removed herself long enough to take a quick inhalation. The flush had spread to encompass nearly her entire face, making the dark spots across her cheeks stand out and draw his attention to her eyes - so alight with need that they could have mirrored his own. 

For a moment, it seemed as if she wanted to speak. Saren watched as her lips parted, then closed, the action repeating a few times before she finally dipped her head, mouth returning to his length and continuing her ministrations with the same vivacity as before. 

Whatever it was, it apparently could wait. He didn’t dwell on it for long, instead giving his woman a gentle caress through her hair as he subtly urged her onwards, knowing his peak was fast approaching. Upon feeling her breasts pressing against his shaft - still as heated and soft as they had been the previous night - he uttered a strangled growl, all but forcing his orgasm down as he let her continue on until he was right at the edge. 

The moment he stepped upon the precipice, he gave a forceful tug of her hair. Nova responded immediately, releasing his length once more with an audible pop and another fresh intake of breath, eyes finding his own as he slid his hand down to cup her cheek. 

“Come here,” he said, after taking a moment to control himself. His mind still swirled with thoughts of throwing her against the mattress and taking her for as long as either of them could handle it, but a strange ache in his chest fought against that course of action. As she obediently crawled back towards him, hands finding their way to his carapace as she lowered herself along his body, the ache only seemed to increase in intensity. 

He urged her closer, both hands rising to cup her cheeks as their lips met in a slow, gentle kiss. He could taste some of himself on her tongue, his own twining around hers and pulling her deeper into the contact, their mouths moving together in an unnatural, yet perfect way. How strange it was, for their biology to be so vastly different, yet their lips fit one another as if they were made for each other. He inhaled her scent as it surrounded him, fragrant and with an undertone of arousal that caused a pleasant purr to spill from his second larynx. 

Feeling her small body pressed against him had his hands soon travelling to cling to her back, wrapping around her thin frame and holding her even closer. Spirits, he never wanted them to separate. The cooler temperature along her skin seemed to seep into his very bones, chilling him, battling against the overbearing heat between them. 

It was too much. If he didn’t melt against her, he would freeze. 

“Nova,” he growled, forcing their lips apart and staring intently into her eyes. Saren’s other hand ran down the curve of her back, flowing along her soft ass until he felt her shiver, the tiniest of moans escaping as she broke their gaze and buried her face in his neck. So she could feel it - his arousal was painful now, eager to lay claim to the infuriating woman resting upon him. Saren let his hand fall from her rear, reaching down until he felt the base of his shaft; fingers closed around it, angling it until he felt the tip brush along her slick sex, pulling another weak cry from the girl. A growl found its way past his clenched mandibles, the feeling of her warm breath panting out against the unplated portions of his neck driving him crazy with desire. He focused on positioning himself at her entrance, leaning his head to the side and issuing a pleasant vibration from his subvocals. “Lower yourself.. gently.”

Even as he said this, the arm wrapped around her released, his hand flowing to her hip to guide her as she slowly lowered her sex down onto his shaft. He felt her wince against his neck, once, but she made no attempts to stop as he spread her apart, slipping easily inside amid the beautiful moans she uttered. Spirits, he’d never stop loving the way her body seemed to clench around him, suffocating his member as it travelled deeper, pressing through her tight walls until he hit against her womb. 

Plates deep, he’d promised himself. 

Saren gave her a moment to adjust to his size, feeling more than a little guilty at forcing this even while she was still hurting from their last session. This close, he could feel the angry burn radiating from the chafing he’d left, and as he ran a hand back along her side, Saren could hear her labored panting as she struggled against the pain. Unhealed wounds coupled with the sheer size of his shaft was not the best combination, but a part of him was relieved she didn’t ask to stop. He didn’t know whether he could have complied with her wishes. 

“Nova-”

“I-I’m okay..” Her reply was quick, her voice barely a whisper against his neck. But it held an inner strength that left no room for him to argue, even had he wanted to.

“... I’m going to start moving. Tell me if anything causes you too much pain..” 

She only gave a single nod, still keeping her face buried away from him. It was worrisome, but he allowed it for now as he focused on carefully bucking his hips upwards, holding back a groan as he felt his shaft slip through those damnably tight walls. The pressure along his length was maddening, pulling him back to the edge with hardly any effort as he set a slow, rhythmic pace. 

* * *

 

His gentleness was almost frightening.

Nova ghosted her lips along his neck, letting her moans spill out as he took her. The pain between her legs had nearly left her breathless, but as they continued on, it began to dull in lieu of the pleasure - the rhythmic pounding of his length inside of her, the labored panting she heard from him, the thrumming vibrations emanating from his chest. 

He was so warm. Her skin felt like it was burning wherever they made contact, the worst of it centered within her very core. 

It wasn’t long before she felt him grip tightly onto her shoulder and roll them over, pinning her to the bed just as she was used to. Saren nearly pulled out of her, but just as her lips parted to issue a strangled cry, he was back in - shoving himself so deep inside of her that the sound formed into a sort of scream as it left her throat. He was too big, too much.. it felt like she’d split apart, yet that only made her want more. 

Their eyes met, Saren’s talons ghosting across her forehead as he cupped her cheek, pressing his mouth to hers for but a moment before simply staring at her. His eyes were so…  _ soft _ . That same vulnerability from earlier was there, raw and open - barely contained under the veil of lust surrounding that beautiful silver color. The way he looked upon her almost made her self conscious, a blush rising to overtake the bridge of her nose and travel along her cheeks to settle in the tips of her ears. It wasn’t the first time his expression had been so gentle like it was now, but this time felt.. different. More meaningful, as if his gaze was trying to tell her something he couldn’t explain with mere words. 

What got to her was that she felt her own eyes doing the same thing. An aching in her chest had settled what felt like hours ago, unfamiliar but not exactly unwelcome. It filled her with a feeling she couldn’t name - something so beautifully painful that she wanted to cry, the moisture held back only by the rising pleasure he was giving her. But as his thrusts slowed and they maintained their focus on each other, tears threatened to spill with how passionately he looked at her. 

Like she was all he could see. Like she was his entire world, in that moment. It was almost too much to handle. 

His mandibles spread outwards, jaw opening as if he was about to speak - but soon it closed with an audible click, and his nostrils flared as he let out a sigh. A single tear managed to slip past her eyelashes, travelling along her cheek until she felt it swiped away by his talon. Saren leaned closer and pressed his forehead to hers, the both of them closing their eyes at the contact. 

When next she opened them, he had pulled away and slipped his hand to the back of her head, cradling her as he pressed the side of his face against her own. His thrusts increased in speed and strength once more, the strange moment between them apparently passing as the spark of desire reaffirmed itself. She felt his tip spearing against that bundle of nerves deep inside, each impact sending shockwaves through her nervous system until she could no longer think of that tenderness he’d shown, only of the feeling of his length carving out a place inside her body. Her legs tightened around his waist as his other hand lifted her hips, angling her so he could penetrate easier and keep hitting against her core. 

Screams were all she could hear herself releasing as it went on, an eternity spent writhing in pleasure as she felt her peak come and go, only to resurface again until the process repeated.  
  
His vicious, animalistic roar soon joined her voice as she felt him release inside, lightning shooting through her as her vision erupted in white stars. 


	6. History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when will this end

One time wasn’t enough. 

Nor two or even three. It would never be enough. 

In the end, all Saren could do was hold onto her, remain buried plates deep until it finally became too uncomfortable for the both of them. Pulling out was a difficult process for him, and even as he removed himself and felt his shaft retreating back behind his plates, the dull ache wouldn’t stop. He nuzzled into the woman’s hair, inhaling her scent and noting with satisfaction that his own mingled within her familiar aroma. 

_ Good _ . 

Mouth plates met bruised lips, their kiss gentle and slow as he caressed along her body. The motion was lazy, careful - as were his movements once he rolled onto his side, pulling himself upwards to rest comfortably on the pillow block enough to recline. He pulled her right up along with him, her cooler temperature now driving him to instinctively attempt to share heat. 

“How do you feel..?” he asked, after a moment spent in silence as they simply lay together, basking in the afterglow. His hand rested over her smaller one as she shifted to lay on his chest, the other wrapping around her waist to hold her close.

“I-I… um..” 

His mandibles flicked with a small smile. “I meant whether you’re in any pain, Nova…”

“Oh.. n-not.. not really..” 

“Hmm..” He’d have to apply medigel to her later regardless. At least this time, he’d been careful not to leave any slashes along her thighs or hips, but there was little that could be done for avoiding chafing.. at least without some sort of oil close at hand. Saren made a mental note to obtain some before their next night together. There would be plenty of time to do so, at least. 

The thought had him growling deep in his subvocals. They didn’t have much longer together before she had to return to her life. 

“Saren..?” 

“What is it, Nova?” 

“... What did you.. did you mean earlier? W-When you said I.. that I was yours..” 

His gaze fell to her own, unsurprised to find the girl staring up at him as she rested against his carapace. Her skin was still flushed, glowing amid the aftermath of their passion, but it was her eyes that shone the brightest - still alight with desire, but tempered by that same unnameable emotion he himself felt. A few months ago he would have looked away from that expression with fear, with revulsion. It hadn’t been what he wanted, it brought too much complication to what he had thought was merely obsession based within carnality - a desire to bend her, a mere human wench, to his will; to own her, possess her, and utterly ruin her for her own species, to show her the dominance of his own. Even now, he couldn’t deny that much of his thoughts revolved around her body, her sexuality - so pure and innocent, something he wanted to taint, to twist until she was nothing more than a slave to his desires. But there was more to it now than just a sexual attraction. 

It still terrified him. But he was no longer able to deny the fact she brought out an utterly unfamiliar emotion within him. 

He lifted his hand from her own for just a moment, long enough to gently stroke over her cheek. A purr whispered from his second larynx, overlapping his low growl of, “I meant exactly what I said. You are  _ mine _ , Nova.. I will not allow anyone else to have you.” 

“H-Have me..? Y-You mean like.. s-sexually, o-or-”

“I mean in every way imaginable.” He let a smile slip through, mandibles flicking in amusement at the look of shock on her face. It lasted for only a second before his expression was serious once more, and he placed his hand back upon hers, squeezing it tightly as he held her gaze. The flush reemerging across her face had an alarm in the back of his head going off, but he merely ignored it as he urged her closer with the arm circled around her waist, their lips soon meeting for a brief moment. 

He expected another question from her once they parted, but Nova only stared at him for a long time, silent and looking almost.. contemplative. So unlike her, yet he found himself captivated by the expression as they basked in each other’s heat. When she finally lowered her gaze, he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him; she turned her head and rested it against his chest - the only thing that calmed him from the sudden pang of fear was her fingers slipping between his own, their hands molding together just as he wished their bodies could. 

Her continuous grip was all the indication he had that she hadn’t simply fallen asleep. Not that he would have blamed her if she had, for Saren himself felt his eyes growing heavy as the silence wore on, exhaustion catching up to him now that adrenaline from their exertion was wearing thin. But he felt as if she was struggling to find the words for something she desperately wished to say, and so he fought the weariness, never taking his gaze off her. It felt like an eternity before her voice floated up to him.

“Why me, Saren..?” 

The question was one he hadn’t expected. Saren froze for a moment, an uncomfortable realization hitting him. 

_ Why _ her? 

She was just a human. He should have been repulsed by her, unable to find her attractive in the slightest. Baring that, this arrangement should have never gone beyond just a need for sexual gratification - it should only have been about putting her in her place, showing her the dominance of the turian species. Those had been his thoughts a year ago, inebriated as he was and trying to make every excuse possible to explain to himself why he was fucking a damn human girl. 

Even had he been able to look past her species and focus on the woman herself, the morning after had slapped him with yet another reminder of how depraved the whole thing was. She was barely more than a child in the eyes of her species, and with a naiveté that reminded him of the stark age difference between them. She had been.. and still  _ was _ young enough to be his daughter.

But as he looked down at her, idly ran his talons through her hair as his other hand tightly held onto her own, he realized that he never could be satisfied with just keeping this as a sexual arrangement. Not after seeing her in his kitchen, not after sitting with her and eating breakfast together, not after showing her through his ship and holding her close as he had done so many years ago. Regardless of the troubling nature of their age differences, or even of her humanity, Saren found he couldn’t stand the thought of going back to a life where he didn’t know her. At some point, he had stopped looking at Nova as a human. Now she was just a woman - a maddeningly beautiful, naive woman who could so easily throw his mind into shambles. Spirits, how could he ever settle for just owning her body? She was like a puzzle he wanted to figure out, a person who laid herself completely bare for him yet still remained so strange and unclear. There were so many things about her he didn’t know, but spirits, did he  _ want _ to know. He needed to know everything - her hopes, her dreams, her likes and dislikes, her history from the day she was born to the moment they met again in Chora’s Den… and everything else. 

He wanted everything from her, and it terrified him. 

She shifted against him, raising herself up so she could stare at him in expectation. Her gaze was so soft, so..  _ spirits _ , she was just as frightened as he was. He could even feel her trembling under his hand. He caressed over her cheek, subvocals emitting a low purr in an attempt to soothe her, but the guilt bubbled regardless, for where could he even start with trying to answer her? It seemed almost impossible. 

“Nova…” he started, but his jaw closed once more and he broke away from her gaze, mandibles flicking in irritation at himself. Her hand clenched against his own, and he held it just as tightly - trying to stop the trembling. Asking why she was so scared was pointless; he knew better than anyone how terrifying this situation between them had become. With a heavy sigh, Saren shifted, dragging her from atop him with a little less grace than he’d hoped. He pinned her against the mattress, hiding a smile at the squeak she gave - and pointedly trying to ignore the way her breasts bounced at the sudden shift in position, still ghosting along his chest as he pressed close and kissed her. 

Again, a single caress was all he gave, talons gently running over her cheek before he sighed once more, disentangling himself from both her and the sheets. He felt her hand tighten on his own, and returned the pressure in as reassuring a manner as he could before he broke the contact completely, quickly making his way over to the medigel dispenser near the door. He was thankful the machine had a side panel for individual packs of the salve, for it allowed him return quickly to her and sit on the edge of the bed. He showed her the tube, brow plates lowering apologetically. 

“You don’t have to move,” he said quickly, laying a hand on the girl’s shoulder as she tried to shift into a sitting position. Saren cradled the back of her head, laying her down on the pillow block and giving a wan smile. “Just be still. Lay there for me.”

She didn’t argue, instead laying perfectly still and allowing him to move her legs apart just enough to spread the gel over the rash, which had only grown more irritated during their intercourse. He saw her wince for a moment as the cold liquid seeped into her skin, but aside from a slight flush as he ran the pads of his fingers over her thighs, she said nothing. He could feel her eyes still boring into him, however. Between that and pointedly trying to avoid having his gaze linger on her slit - still wet and dripping with his seed - Saren paid far more attention than was needed to applying the medigel across the entirety of the chafing. 

“... You’re a strange human.” He gave a sigh, nostril plates flaring with his exhale. 

Not the best way to explain, but he couldn’t keep avoiding the question forever - especially seeing as he was nearly done applying the gel to her wound. When he spared a glance to her eyes, he saw the confusion present within them. 

“To answer your question, that is. I shouldn’t desire you like this, not with you being..” He paused, shaking his head and withdrawing his hand. “I’ve never liked your species, Nova. You know this, of course. By all accounts, I shouldn’t..”

He looked at her once more, his own gaze wandering over her face, taking in every familiar yet alien detail. Those long… what were they called, “lashes”? that framed those emerald pools he liked so much, the almost imperceptible dark spots all across her cheeks, the impossibly silky pink texture of her lips.. spirits, when had he started to find human women so attractive? 

No, that wasn’t right. It was just  _ her _ . She was somehow the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen, and that in itself was baffling for the reason that, even had he not held a hatred for her species, he had absolutely no physical attraction to humans - certainly not the way Nihlus did. He barely even held much physical attraction to turian women. But  _ spirits _ , looking at her now, still bared in full to him - with her breasts perked and her skin still slightly flushed from their earlier exertions - Saren nearly felt his plates parting again, and that same ache clenching tightly in his chest.

He had to be insane. Had to be. 

Saren stood, making a placating motion to her before quickly retreating to the bathroom, washing off the last residue of the medigel and grabbing a small cloth as well, moistening it and returning outside with the wet rag in hand. He stared at Nova for a moment, eyes merely glancing down to her sex, mandibles flicking uncomfortably before he finally gave up, urging her to sit up and handing the cloth to her. 

“Wash yourself. It will be uncomfortable otherwise..” 

He recalled the night prior with some guilt, remembering how he’d forced her to sleep with his seed still flowing from her. Not tonight.. it was the least he could do to make up for worsening her condition. The  _ last _ thing he needed on his conscious was knowing he’d affected her performance during the final stage of the training program, simply because he couldn’t control his urges. 

* * *

 

He didn’t look at her as she tried to carefully clean off the residue he’d left inside her. 

Nova was thankful for that, as the motions felt awkward to do in front of the man she had just slept with… between trying to avoid arousing herself again and wincing at the pain from her rash, the process wasn’t exactly flattering. And when she was finally done, handing over the washcloth to his waiting hand was embarrassing to the point she felt her entire face heat up in shame. Saren merely took it without a word, retreating from her once more and returning to the bathroom, leaving her alone for a moment to just…  _ think _ . 

He was right. She knew very well how much he hated her species, how little he thought of humanity and the Systems Alliance, and how vocal he was against their continued expansion into unclaimed or disputed space within the Council’s area of control. By all accounts, he shouldn’t have ever given her the time of day, after what happened that night a year ago - he’d obviously been angry and frustrated at himself for allowing those events to unfold. She honestly didn’t think she would have blamed him if he’d simply walked out without any further contact. This… her cheeks flushed again as she recalled how gentle he had been, the rhythmic motion of his hips meeting hers, the vibrations she’d felt through his chest.. that sort of thing should never have happened, given his opinion of her species. 

But something had changed between them over the past year. She didn’t know how, nor understand what it was, but there was now something that drew them to one another. It went beyond the fragile friendship they’d built, but trying to name the confusing emotions seemed impossible. She still wasn’t even sure whether he felt the same thing, though judging by the shift in his attitude during this most recent encounter, there was something affecting him as well. And his words before..

_ You’re mine _ . 

Two simple words had never before sent her mind and heart into such disarray. And with no real explanation from Saren as to  _ why her _ , Nova had to simply put the thoughts aside lest she start coming up with all sorts of fantastical ideas that likely hit far from the reality. But gods, did she want to know. What thing had she done right to make the human-hating Saren Arterius treat her like… like.. 

“Nova?”

“Y-Yes!” she squeaked, nearly jumping at the sound of his voice. Lost in her musings as she’d been, Nova hadn’t even heard Saren return - nor notice his weight shifting on the bed as he sat down, avian eyes peering at her and mandibles flicking in curiosity. “I-I’m sorry..”

“Is something troubling you?” 

“N-No, I was.. just thinking. That’s all..” 

He gave a short laugh. “You seem to be doing that a lot more recently. Yet you rarely ever share with me what you’re thinking about..”

His talons reached out, and as if on instinct she moved closer, meeting the hand that caressed over her cheek. He was always so warm.. even now his heat seemed to nearly burn her with its intensity. That only drew her to him, however, especially with her body exposed to the elements and shivering now after having been parted from him. Thankfully, he not only allowed the contact but climbed back into bed, drawing his legs up and swinging them onto the mattress, settling back against the pillow block as he tugged the sheets over them and helped her resume her position of laying on his chest. The cold biting at her skin was soon halted, and she sank against his carapace, not even caring that it was mildly uncomfortable with all his sharp ridges and points. 

“I-I could say the same about you..” she couldn’t help replying, feeling her face heating up at her words and immediately worrying whether he’d find them annoying. But all she heard was a low rumble - a laugh, maybe - deep in his chest, the vibrations running across her skin and causing goosebumps to break out. She felt his talons gently run through her hair for a moment, his other hand finding its way back to hers just as they had been only a few minutes prior. 

“Is there anything you want to know, then? Ask, and I  _ may _ answer.” 

She didn’t even have to look up to know he was grinning.

“I… e-everything?” she stuttered out, flushing as she shifted slightly. The fingers running through her hair had retreated, his hand now cradling along the bare part of her back uncovered by the thin sheets. “I-I mean, I just.. want to know as much as I can about you. Or.. a-as much as you’re comfortable with, at least..”

“Hmm..” His voice was barely more than a purr. “Then ask something. I don’t care what.”

“... U-Um..” 

What should she even ask? They’d spoken a lot over the last year, though she realized with a measure of guilt that much of their discussions had pertained to her own life - her own problems and happenings - rather than Saren’s. The most she’d ever really heard him speak of his life was when he told her stories of his various missions and cases over the years, or of the planets he had visited and the sights he had seen. Yet despite this fact, trying to pick out a single question to begin the conversation with felt.. difficult. 

“Y-You said you’ve been.. a Spectre for, um.. over twenty years, right..?” she finally began, after some hesitation - and a good few minutes of wracking her brain to see whether she’d ever asked this before. She let her gaze wander up to him for a second, seeing him nod. “U-Um.. I don’t think you ever told me.. how you became one. I-Isn’t it hard to be accepted?” 

“Spectres aren’t trained, Nova, or given some mundane test of their abilities. Not as you are probably thinking - there is no building you can walk into for assessment, nor any sort of form to sign up with. Spectres are typically picked out from lists of candidates, primarily from the Council species. They look for individuals who stand above the rank and file… who prove themselves as soldiers without peer.” Nova heard him give a slight snort. “‘Spectres are not trained, but chosen.’ That was what I was told by the Council upon my induction. Sparatus - the turian councilor - later mentioned how I was  _ born _ for the job. I still think he was full of crap.”

“If Spectres aren’t trained, h-how do they.. um… f-find new ones?” 

“Lists, as I said. The Council has  _ endless _ lists of candidates from every major species in the galaxy, though of course they rarely pick from non-Council species. You aren’t likely to find any drell, volus, or hanar Spectres. And despite  _ your _ species’ ambassadors having vyed countless times for it, there are no humans within the organization either.” 

She was sure there was an unspoken “and I’d like it to remain that way”, but Saren didn’t say anything more. It was just as well, for Nova was momentarily hung up on the image of a hanar Spectre, trying to handle guns with those thin tentacles of theirs.. a laugh escaped despite her best efforts, the sound quick but loud enough that she felt Saren shift below her. Again, though, he said nothing. 

“S-So what happens when.. um.. w-when someone is scouted for Spectre candidacy..?”

“Typically another Spectre is ordered to observe the candidate and provide feedback to the Council on whether or not they believe they should be trained as a Spectre. If the feedback is positive, that Spectre then becomes the candidate’s mentor for however long they feel is necessary in order to fully train their pupil. Sometimes the partnership can last only a few months before the candidate is granted inclusion into the Spectres - sometimes it can be a number of years. The time varies between each individual mentor.” A talon lazily traced circles across her skin, the motion threatening to lull her to sleep. “I trained my own protegé for nearly a year before I was satisfied. Of course, I’m rarely assigned to mentor potential candidates… the Council finds my methods too harsh, too..  _ judgemental _ .” 

Nova felt like there was a story behind that, based on the hard edge she sensed in his tone. But she thought better of asking. 

“To answer your original question, however… I became a Spectre the same way as most others. Due to my service history within the turian military, as well as my efforts during the Relay 314 incident, I was scouted for candidacy and quickly impressed my mentor, thus earning me a place within the ranks. Seeing as I had no other obligations, I gladly fell into my role as a peacekeeper of the galaxy - and the rest, you know of. My service has been long, my travels taking me to all corners of Council space, and sometimes even into the Terminus Systems. I’ve built a reputation for ruthless efficiency, and my results are undeniable.” 

“Your family must have been proud.. to become a Spectre has to be one of the.. th-the highest honors, right?”

“.... I suppose. My brother did not live to see my acceptance into the ranks.” 

* * *

  
He felt her tense at the words, and Saren wondered why he had even revealed that fact. 

There had always been a delicate power balance between them. He held dominance over her by way of revealing little to nothing of his personal history, of his life outside of the work of a Spectre, while at the same time knowing more about her than Nova was even aware of. To suddenly bring up his past like that was disconcerting - he didn’t understand why he felt the need to. It was a compulsion, rather than a slip of the tongue. He could have easily swept aside her comment, brought the subject around to something else without ever making her feel as if he was actively avoiding the topic. 

But instead, he spoke of the brother who had been dead for over twenty years. 

Attempting to waylay any concerns, he tried to relax himself out of the stiff posture he’d unconsciously taken, tightening his hold on the girl’s hand as he gingerly caressed the talons of his other through her hair. He didn’t speak again until he felt Nova sink against his chest once more, returning his grip and laying her head back down upon his carapace. 

She was the first to say something, anyway. Her sweet voice was barely a whisper as she asked, “What happened to him..?” 

“... It’s a long story,” was all he could reply, nostril plates shifting as he exhaled. Was he even ready to have this conversation with her? Was he ready to let the balance shift between them? 

The questions didn’t really matter. His words seemed to spill out on their own.

“I lost him over twenty years ago, not long after the end to what you humans call the First Contact War. We were stationed on Shanxi for a while, my brother being tasked with recovering an artifact that had been lost during a crash landing of one of our research vessels. During the recovery efforts, he.. was captured, briefly, by some human mercenaries. They slaughtered his squad and took him as a hostage, luring the rest of his unit into a trap. Thankfully, they were overpowered after two of the men left to try investigating the crash site, leaving their woman alone and vulnerable. 

“She was taken prisoner, as was the merc leader. The third human was killed after foolishly touching the artifact - I believe some.. defense mechanism sprung when he got too close. My brother had the body carted away for study…” 

“... Study..? They took his.. h-his corpse hostage..?” 

His mandibles flicked as he was slightly overcome with a measure of guilt. Many of the decisions Desolas had made during that time hadn’t sat well with him, but what could he have done? Go against the orders of his  _ superior _ \- his only family? Desolas had always taken care of him, even before they lost their parents. The thought to refuse his orders, however questionable, hadn’t ever crossed his mind. 

He gave another sigh. “We were in  _ open warfare _ with your species, Nova.. it was only to be expected. Humans were taking plenty of my own people hostage, dissecting their corpses to learn about us - learn where to aim for fatal blows, understand our physiology to more easily kill us.”

She didn’t say anything in response to that. Just to comfort her, he squeezed her tiny hand again, letting a soft purr travel from his second larynx. 

“At any rate.. Tests were done on the living male, as he slept in a coma brought on by the artifact’s defenses. By the time he awoke, weeks had gone by and the Council had intervened, calling an end to the fighting. We returned our prisoners to some human general, though my brother retained a.. worrisome interest in studying the male further. Something about the man having come into contact with the artifact, possible knowledge he held.. I didn’t ask many questions. Simply did as my brother asked of me.”

“.. How old were you, d-during the war..?”

“... The same age you are now, Nova.” As if he needed another reminder of their age difference; it was just another dagger driven into his chest, twisting the conflicting emotions he’d felt since they’d first met. One more thing to feel guilt over. 

“You fought in a war? W-When.. w-when you were just..” 

“I did. My species places high value on military service - we enter into training at the age of fifteen, and typically become promoted to active duty within two or three years. I began my service after just a single year.. had the First Contact War not happened, I likely would have been placed in a cabal within a few months. As it stood, I served under my brother during the war.”

She went quiet once more, the silence worrying him. Saren recalled with some irony how a year ago, he had become so irritated at her constant interruptions, the never ending question after question. As his mouth suddenly felt dry, nerves tensing as he recalled the memories of his brother’s final days, he wished for nothing more than for her to distract him and drag them constantly off topic. 

“My brother… he became obsessive of the artifact we were to recover. The Arca Monolith, it was called - alien technology that seemed to predate even the protheans. It.. consumed his mind. Drove him mad with ambition, with power.. Somehow, that human male had formed a sort of connection to the monolith, and it led him to the asari world of Illium, where he and his companion were recaptured by my brother. He kept going on about how the human had some knowledge, some  _ key _ to the artifact that was necessary for him to harness its full potential.” 

Saren gave a slight shake of his head, even if he knew she wasn’t watching him. 

“I don’t know. All I know for sure is this…  _ monolith _ , it.. did things. Turned people into… husks - lifeless puppets that parodied existence, but only seemed concerned with furthering some mysterious goal and defending that damned artifact. It transformed my species into monstrously strong supersoldiers… and through whatever madness had possessed him, Desolas wanted to turn all of our people into those…  _ things _ . He wanted to  _ elevate _ the turian species, dominate the galaxy.. spirits, I still don’t understand it, even so long after the fact. He was insane… I don’t even know if my brother was still in there at all, by the end of it. But all I knew at the time was that his madness had to be stopped, before it threatened not just our own species, but the entire galaxy.” 

“... This sounds like… l-like something out of a horror vid..”

“I still struggle to believe it myself. And I lived through it.” 

She shivered, the tiniest squeak escaping as he felt her bury her face against his chest - as if trying to hide from the images his story had conjured. He gave a short grunt, carefully rolling her off of him and shifting onto his side. He saw the flash of worry in her gaze as they briefly broke contact, but Nova merely followed his lead and settled beside him on the mattress, facing him and sliding into his waiting arms, as close as she could - their hands still twining together as his arm circled its way under her neck, cradling her.

Spirits, she never felt close enough. He pulled her even further into his arms, nearly crushing her tiny body against his own.

“Y-You said he.. he died… w-was it because of that artifact..?”

“... Partially,” he said, voice having become no more than a whisper, his subvocals going out of sync. For a long moment, he simply closed his eyes and pressed his mouth plates against her forehead, allowing his woman’s scent to overtake him and chase away the remnant emotions he had felt that day. His mind was still screaming at him for ever revealing any of this - not even Nihlus was aware of how he’d lost his brother, only that he had. He’d never told anyone else about this.. not about how Desolas died, nor of that damned Arca Monolith. Yet the words had spilled from his larynx before he’d even been able to stop them, and from that moment on they just kept coming, he kept talking. He couldn’t exactly back out of the retelling now.. and at some point, he  realized he may have  _ wanted _ her to know. 

It only seemed fair, after all. He knew every sordid detail of what happened on Mindoir; he knew how she had lost her family, her friends, everyone she had ever known and loved - all in a single night. Wasn’t it only right that she be privy to his own nightmares? 

“The human, he.. spoke to me. Told me that my brother and that artifact were a danger to my entire species, accused me of being complacent in the fall of the turians, went on about how all of us were being played by those.. things. Meta-turians, Desolas had called them. I let the human and his female escape, knowing he spoke the truth.. however much I begrudged it. I had soldiers seal my brother and those… abominations into the temple where he had set up the artifact, sacrificing people to the damned thing like some sort of madman.. he and all those mockeries were trapped, and I.. I ordered an orbital strike on the temple.”

“..... Y-You..”

He felt her tensing up again, and it only made him cling to her all the harder, shutting his eyes against the memory. When next he spoke, his voice felt raspy.. raw with pain. Utterly unlike himself.   
  
“I killed my own brother to ensure galactic peace, and the freedom of my species. It was the only way.” Saren gave a harsh bark of a laugh. “Maybe that’s what Sparatus meant when he said I was born to be a Spectre.”


	7. Good Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the wrap up of this entire fic, which has gotten well over 60 pages by this point to which I'm just @.@ing at. So much writing! This thing really got away from me, I swear.

She was quiet for a long time after that. Saren simply laid with her in the silence, trying to chase away the memories with her presence, her warmth. 

He could feel her move against him, subtle though it was. And it was hard to ignore the tears spilling against his chest, even if he heard rather than felt them. What reason did she even have to cry? It wasn’t a death she needed to mourn. He’d done so more than enough over the years, carrying the memories of his brother with him like an anchor.. or a chain, perhaps. But as she kissed over his carapace, the hush dragging on like a suffocating blanket atop them, Saren didn’t move to staunch the flood. In a way, perhaps her own tears made up for the ones he had never shed. 

All he could do was hold her - gently, desperately. He took comfort in her empathy, feeling almost grateful that someone could care so deeply for him to the point his own tragedies - however many years ago they occurred - caused them such profound sadness. It wasn’t something he was used to.. nor had he ever believed someone could feel genuine affection for him. He didn’t deserve her, but spirits be damned if he wasn’t going to appreciate having this maddening woman in his life - regardless of how irritating it was to deal with the less-than-delightful cocktail of emotions she spurred within him. 

After what seemed like hours, her tears stopped, and he felt her curl closer to him, slipping her fingers around in his grip to better hold onto his hand. He let out a low growl, soft and needful as he felt her legs tangle with his own, carefully hooking behind his spurs as she pressed her forehead against his chest. They were as close as they possibly could be, and still he only seemed to pull her in tighter. It was never enough. 

“... It wasn’t all bad,” he found himself saying. He nudged the top of her head with his chin, nuzzling against her until her eyes finally found his. He barely spared a thought to the red rings around them, focusing entirely on those endless green depths. “When we were children, Desolas used to play games with me.”

“Games..?”

He nodded, letting a single mandible quirk in a vague smile. “He used to tell me to close my eyes and count to ten, slowly, then try to find him. I was always good at that game, no matter how well he hid.” 

“Turians play hide-and-seek as well?” she said, sharing his smile and eliciting a quiet laugh. Spirits, the sound was music to his ears.

“I suppose so, if that’s what you humans call it. Desolas always made the excuse that it was ‘training’, but I don’t think he ever expected me to believe that.. he was always someone who had... difficulty.. showing affection.” The amusement in her eyes as he said that was not lost on Saren, and he saw the irony in the statement just as easily as she did. He wasn’t about to comment on it, though - not unless she did first. “But he took care of me, especially after our parents were gone. He never coddled me, but was a fervent supporter of my efforts during childhood and the first year of my military training. He could have easily just brought me into his unit without so much as a fuss, given his reputation at the time, but I didn’t want that. I wanted to  _ earn _ a place at my brother’s side - and I did. The day he took me into his squad, I had never seen him happier. But what was most important to me was how  _ proud _ he was.” 

He couldn’t help nuzzling against her again, mouth plates ghosting over the soft skin of her forehead. The recollections were nice - untainted now, as he spoke to her. There had been plenty of warmth and happiness with his brother, before those sordid events in the weeks following the First Contact War, and with the two of them like this, Saren felt like he could recall them with less pain. It was as if her very presence cast a soothing light through the darkness of those years, reminding him of the man his brother had been. The man he remembered with nothing but fondness - and the man he had sworn to avenge. 

A tear escaped, running sideways down her cheek before he reached up to swipe it away. Nova only gave an apologetic smile, lightly rubbing at her eyes with her now-freed hand. 

“Don’t,” he said, seeing her lips parting to utter out an apology and stopping the words before they ever touched her tongue. Her mouth closed, a flush erupting over her cheeks. 

“I’m.. I-I’m sure he’d still be so proud of you… you’re one of the best Spectres in service, and.. a-and you’ve done so much good for the galaxy..”

“... Thank you. I’m sure he would have been.” He nuzzled against her again, a rumble vibrating through his subvocals. Spirits, even if her words had been nothing but simple flattery and not carried actual weight - actual true emotion behind them - he still would have been thankful for them. Over twenty years had been more than enough time to dwell on all the things his brother could never see him accomplish, to wonder whether Desolas would still have been proud of the man he had become over the decades. But hearing the  _ complete faith _ present in his woman’s voice, it seemed to drive away any lingering traces of worry. As she brought her face closer, lips parting and caressing over his mouth plates, Saren could even try to believe his brother wouldn’t be disgusted at him for sleeping with a human woman. 

A low growl escaped as he felt her shift even closer. Those damnably large breasts pressing against him coupling with the slow, shy way she was kissing him had his plates parting ever so slightly, and he couldn’t help snaking his talons down across her soft skin, gripping at her thigh and pulling her leg further over his own. 

He shouldn’t… but damn it all, the more he touched her, the less control he felt - and somehow, after revealing such a painful, personal part of his life, all Saren wanted to do was lose himself in her again. The growl turned into a sort of strangled keen as he heard her whimper at the contact, her lips parting from his for but a moment before returning with more force, her hands trembling as they found their way to his chest. 

Saren didn’t truly know what Desolas would have thought of this, of him panting like a varren for a damned human girl. His brother had never outright hated humans - no more so than any other turian who fought in the war - but holding an ambivalence to the species and actively engaging in intercourse with one were vastly different.. and more than anything else, Saren’s greatest crime in this was perhaps the fact he was not actively trying to continue the Arterius bloodline. At this rate, their history would die with him - he certainly couldn’t impregnate the woman he was now flipping over, shoving her onto her back as he loomed over her with a hunger in his eyes. Biology wasn’t going to work with them, regardless of whether he’d wanted it to or not. 

He couldn’t help the sigh that whistled through his nostrils. The rising heat between them was momentarily broken as he leaned down and buried his face in her neck, breathing her in and wrapping his arms around her tiny frame. 

“Saren..?” 

“It’s nothing..” he whispered, feeling her quiver below him as he spoke against her skin. What was he even trying to accomplish right now? After all the effort he took to help clean her and care for her after their exertions, why was he breaking their comfortable closeness with lascivious desire? Time was ticking away from them as it stood, and here he was spending half of it between her legs. But  _ spirits _ , he could never get enough of her.. and her hands weakly pressing against his chest only spurred on the need. He gently nuzzled her again. “.. Do you want this, Nova..? I’ve already caused you so much pain-”

“I do, Saren.. p-please,” she interrupted, her own voice meek and vulnerable - so beautifully fragile that he instinctively held her tighter, trying to shield her from the world. He felt her legs spreading below him, lightly ghosting across the uncovered portions of hide along his waist and sending an aroused hum through his subvocals. Spirits, he didn’t even have to look down to know she was probably already wet for him. His shaft slipped further out from his plates, her body melting against his at every place their skin connected. He gave a light nip to her neck before moving away enough to meet her gaze, seeing the fire reigniting in them. 

_ I’m sorry, Nova, _ he couldn’t help thinking. Their time together, simply lying within each other’s arms and talking, had been…  _ different _ . But it was a good sort of different, bringing with it that same dull ache as he’d looked at her, felt her warmth surrounding him and letting that sweet voice seep into his very bones. It had been something he’d never experienced before with anyone - and was now something he wanted to keep feeling, to keep reliving with her every single night.  _ Only _ her. 

He promised himself he would return them back to that blissful peace. But first, he needed to sate both of their desires one more time. 

* * *

 

Dim light poured into the bedroom, just as it had the morning prior. 

Nova’s vision was blurry as she opened her eyes, gaze muddled and seemingly drowned in a world of silver. There was warmth in that color, however - a heat radiating around her, trying to lull her back into the blissful oblivion of sleep. She shifted closer to it, pressing into a rigid form laying next to her and resting her forehead against it, letting her eyes shut once more. She felt claws grazing over her bare back as she did so, hands clinging to her and drawing her even closer. 

A familiar growl reached her ears, and Nova couldn’t help opening her eyes again and blinking away the remnants of sleep. Her gaze found its way to Saren’s face, set softer and less heavily as he slumbered. A small smile found its way to her lips, even as her heart strangely didn’t seem to do backflips, nor did those stomach butterflies return to wreak havoc upon her insides. 

It was odd, how  _ normal _ this felt. How long had she daydreamed of this moment, of waking up to the Spectre sleeping peacefully beside her? Their bodies were still tangled together like an oddly-fitting puzzle, legs twined over each other and with Saren’s arms surrounding her. Shouldn’t she have felt like she was flying, at this moment? The morning before had left her with a hollow feeling, deprived her of a chance to finally wake up and meet Saren’s gaze after a long night of passion.. but now, as she examined over the turian’s familiar lines and ridges, Nova only seemed to feel an underwhelming sense of normalcy. Yet even so, there was a subdued sort of happiness, as his warmth seeped into her very bones - and despite feeling some sore spots along her body from where she’d been pressed up against his rougher hide for hours, Nova was sure she’d never had a better night’s sleep. Being next to him like this was.. familiar, his very presence keeping her wrapped in that shield of safety and protection she had never been able to feel with anyone else.

Perhaps this was how waking up next to someone you cared for was meant to be - familiar..  _ normal _ . Like it was the one place in the world where you truly belonged. 

She ran a hand along the front of his carapace, feeling the vibrations from deep within his chest. After a quick kiss to the underside of his jaw, Nova couldn’t help curling against him, wanting to leave no distance between their bodies. Her head rested along the crook of his neck, sharing a small section of his own pillow as she found a comfortable position against him - all the while feeling his heat seep into her flesh, surrounding her in its warmth. His body was still so… alien to her, so unnatural, yet just as she had thought that first night - and all the days afterwards - Nova couldn’t see it as anything but beautiful. More handsome than any other man she’d ever seen - whether human or turian. And safer than even the strongest kinetic shields.

That ache in her chest seemed to return in full force as she lay in silence with him. At times, it became so strong she felt as if she’d suffocate from the feeling, only to continue breathing as if nothing was affecting her. It was strange, altogether unfamiliar to her… but it didn’t feel painful. Quite the opposite. 

Saren let out another low growl, his arm moving over her waist and head turning slightly against the pillow. It was only a moment later that she felt his grip on her tighten, his hands press firmly against her back as he held her tightly to his chest - so tightly that she couldn’t help the pained squeak as her sore breasts were squished against his carapace.  

“Nova..” she heard him mumble, almost as if ignoring her noise of discomfort. But a moment later, Nova felt his grip loosen, Saren allowing her to return some measure of distance between them. As she parted from him enough to be comfortable once again, Nova lifted her gaze to meet his - just as bleary with sleep as hers had been moments ago. His hand came to run across her cheek, and Nova gratefully nudged into the contact. “How.. long have you.. been awake?”

His yawning between words was infectious, and she couldn’t help one of her own escaping as she nuzzled against his palm - all the while thinking how cute he sounded. 

“N-Not long.. I’m sorry, did I wake you, Saren..?” 

“Not really.” He moved closer, mouth pressing against her forehead before his talons lifted her chin enough so they could share an actual kiss. The same purr that had been present while he slept was now turning into a sort of rumble below his voice, pouring out against her and tingling over her skin as she moved her lips against his plates. After they finally parted, Saren let out a strange sort of sound - somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. “I can’t remember the last time I actually felt..  _ rested _ like this.”

“Neither can I..” was all she could say in response, for it was the truth. Sure, her body may feel sore in many areas - both from their intercourse as well as spending the night pinned against his rough hide - but as she thought on it, Nova really had never slept quite as well as she had this last night. 

Saren groaned as he sat up, his arms moving from her and taking that wonderful heat with them, leaving her to shiver against the sudden cold until she pulled the sheets over her with a whine. Soon his hand found its way to her head, however, talons carefully tangling through her hair as he stroked her. Her gaze found his again as he stared down, silver eyes seeming to possess an odd glow in the dim light filtering in from the world outside. 

God, he was so beautiful. Nova held onto his hand as it ran down to caress her cheek, flushing at the quirked mandible that came in response. 

With a low growl that sent a shiver through her, Saren leaned over and hovered above her, hands retreating from her and instead holding him up as he all but climbed atop her. One reached down only a few seconds later to pull away the sheets, exposing her to that sudden chill again even as she could feel his body heat radiating against her. 

She released a small whimper at the feeling of him kneading her breast, carefully massaging over the sore spots as he leaned down and nuzzled into her neck. But he did nothing beyond that, merely allowing his breath to whisper over the sensitive skin below her ear. 

He inhaled, so softly that it sent a shiver through her, a whimper finding its way out as the rough cartilage of his face brushed over her. His motions soon stopped, hand giving one last squeeze before retreating to cup the side of her face, his talons caressing over the shell of her ear as she felt his tongue swipe out. And then he was in front of her once more, gazing down with an odd vulnerability that seemed to cause her heart to sputter and restart.   
  
“I can think of worse ways to wake up,” he said, voice flanging with an amused undertone. Nova felt her face heat up all over again, even more so when the Spectre leaned close and pressed his mouth to hers. They parted all too quickly, and Saren fully removed himself from her again in order to climb off the bed and stand beside it, stretching his arms and rotating his neck before finally fixing his gaze to her again. A hand was raised in offering, coupled with a slight lift of his mandibles. “Come. I think we both need a shower.”


	8. Beloved

Saren had never been one to stay the night with previous sexual partners. There had never been any reason to remain around them once his needs were satisfied, and he’d never liked the idea of sleeping with anyone - too much vulnerability, too easy an opportunity for someone to slit his throat. Even when some had begged him to stay, clinging to his legs and whining for more of him in their desire-addled state, he had shoved them away and walked out, uninterested and unwilling to remain. 

With Nova, however, he had always found it hard to simply walk out and leave her side. Even that first morning, after he’d drunkenly taken her again and again in a desperate sort of expression of dominance, he’d been unable to simply leave without a word; though it could be said he’d felt too much guilt over the sorry state he’d left her in after that first night of passion. The morning prior to today had been much a similar story - an unwillingness to leave in the night and part himself from her, and honestly had he not received the summons from Sparatus, Saren was sure he would have remained until she woke up, just as he was able to have done now. 

As he guided her into the bathroom and twisted the dials in the shower, waiting for the water to heat up, he couldn’t help reflecting on waking up to see her emerald eyes staring at him. Spirits, he’d almost thought he was dreaming. It seemed too perfect. 

But then he’d felt her warmth against him, had clung to her and took in her scent as it surrounded him. Feeling those soft lips running over his hide had been more than enough proof that this morning was real - that she was right there next to him, and had been for the entire night, resting in his arms. It had all felt so  _ right _ . Everything else be damned, all he knew was that regardless of what they were to each other anymore, her place was here with him, by his side. If only it was as easy as simply keeping her here, however. 

He let his gaze slide down her body as she stepped into the shower first, upon his urging. The water seemed to lead his eyes along every curve, every dip, every line that made up her form.  _ Spirits _ , he couldn’t stop staring, even after following her into the glass case and letting the soothing heat seep into his flesh, working out the last of the tension left over from sleep. Even as he saw the red marks along her skin, the rash still present between her legs, Saren couldn’t stop wanting her. He seemed to go through the motions of showering with little thought, barely hearing himself ask how she washed her hair. His fingers worked their way into her scalp, gently massaging that strange, viscous liquid he’d bought for her into a white foam, which she then took over with and spread through the entirety of her blonde fringe - “hair”, he had to remind himself. Saren could do little but stand and watch her every movement, as her arms raised to tangle through the foam until finally she dipped her head under the running water, washing it all away. Spirits, she looked still looked so  _ soft _ . 

Before he’d even realized it, his plates had parted completely and his hands had found their way to her breasts, twisting and kneading them amid her squeaks of pleasure. They overflowed in his palms, wet and slick to the point he let out a growl and pressed her up against the glass, pinning her between it and himself as he called her name in that low tone she was so weak to. He was inside her quickly, subvocals humming in satisfaction as her whimpers turned into squeals, the room being overtaken by the sound of their soaked flesh smacking together in a hurried, frenetic sort of pace. When finally he felt his release come, pouring into her through those damnably tight, silky walls, Saren could only collapse against her small back, panting with need… and desperation.

She would be gone again soon. Too soon - it was maddening to think about. He clung to her as he pushed them once more unto the edge, the motions not at all like the slow burn that had smoldered between them last night, yet still equally as satisfying as he finally pulled out and carefully held her against him. 

Spirits, he didn’t want her to leave. 

He made sure to carefully dry her off, once they finally cleaned up the newfound mess he’d caused and stepped back into the chilled air of the bathroom. Her skin was flushed, breasts red and perked to the point that it took every bit of control he’d developed over his years as a Spectre not to simply take her again, struggling to keep his shaft back behind his plates. But the more of her abrasions he saw, the more his mind drifted from desire to worry, his touches becoming gentle as he lifted her into his arms and took her towel-wrapped form back to the bedroom, setting her on the bed and parting for just the length of time it took to cross the room to the medigel dispenser and retrieve another tube. Then his hand took hers again, the other carefully rubbing in the healing salve to the chafing on her inner thighs and around her sex. 

He’d have to hope she wouldn’t be in too much pain during training. It was too late to take back his decision from the night before. 

“Saren..” 

He looked into her eyes at the sound of his name, barely seeing the slight smile she gave him as she squeezed his hand. He allowed his own smile to show - lasting but a moment before he pressed his mouth against hers. When he pulled back, the flush was still present in her cheeks, darkening the little spots all over her skin. “What is it?”

“N-Nothing.. I’m sorry..” 

Saren let out a growl, quiet and meant to convey his affection as he leaned close and nuzzled against the side of her head in response. Reluctantly, he parted from her, feeling her grip tighten on his hand as if afraid to let go.. until it finally slipped away, and she merely stared up at him as he stood. Gently, he caressed his talons over her cheek, subvocals humming in apology. One day he hoped to be able to teach her what every one of his subharmonic sounds meant. 

“Get dressed.. and pack up your things.” He let his gaze travel to the clock display for just a moment, trying to remember her schedule. Three hours left.. Saren tore his eyes from it, focusing back on the woman he wanted to keep at his side. “We’ll find something to eat, then I’ll take you back to your apartment so you can drop everything off and ready yourself for training.”

“Okay..” she responded, her voice far quieter than he’d have liked.. but he understood why. The sadness in her eyes was more than adequate enough to tell him she wasn’t looking forward to their parting any more than he was. Again, he reluctantly withdrew from her, heading over to where he’d tossed his own clothes aside the night before. She remained silent and motionless all through the quick process of him redressing, and at some point he found himself unable to look at her - instead simply heading to the door, attempting to give her some privacy. 

Once he was upon the threshold, however, he paused. “Leave half of your clothes here, Nova. Take the ones you like best with you. I’ll put the rest in the closet.”

* * * * *

There had apparently been enough leftover ingredients for her to cook a small meal for the both of them, and he gratefully downed the soup after she placed it in front of him. It tasted even better this time, though he couldn’t seem to bring himself to say so - or say anything, really. 

There was a melancholy air working its way around them. It was almost suffocating, like every bit of joy that had blossomed over the last two days was being systematically smothered, a fire being snuffed out by dirt. He longed to hold her, but every time he tried to reach out, something always stopped him. A heavy weight seemed to fall upon him, preventing his fingers from caressing hers, or his arm from wrapping around her tiny form. Worst of all were the glances he saw her give, the way her eyes seemed to grow duller the longer they went without words, without contact. Spirits, his chest felt like it would cave in from the pain that caused him. 

Eventually he couldn’t take it anymore, moving away from her and retreating from the kitchen area, eyes vaguely honing in on the terminal installed in the wall just a couple of feet from the front door. He didn’t even really focus on what he was doing as he approached the screen and began fiddling with it, bringing up his omnitool to begin entering in a string of commands as he linked the systems together. 

* * *

  
Nova had spent at least a good few months debating on whether she wanted to continue a career in the Alliance once her first few years were up, but it was only now that she was actively wishing she had no responsibilities, no training to undergo and no ship or superior to report back to. 

The distance between them seemed to be growing as the first hour since they’d awoken dragged on in silence. Each time she tried to speak, the words seemed to catch in her throat. She wanted to reach for him, but every glance she spared his way let her see a man seemingly withdrawn, and the picture of it stayed her hand. Breakfast wasn’t as comfortable as it had been the day before, even if she still felt some happiness at the simplicity of just sitting down together and sharing a meal. But as they finished up and she withdrew from the table to wash the dishes, Nova heard him stand and leave, his footsteps seeming to echo within her mind like a pendulum counting down every lost second.

Part of her was excited to return to the Jannuvus Program, for she’d never experienced training quite like it - and being around so many other biotics, being able to  _ talk _ with them and learn about their individual stories as well as their cultures, had made her feel so happy. She’d loved taking on the exercises with Nirife and Ennius, feeling a strange sense of excitement and pride at being able to work so well with others after having only known each other for a short time. 

But as she spared another glance back to the man she’d spent the last year wanting to be with again, Nova realized the other part of her never wanted to leave. Not if it meant she’d be parted from him again for who knew how long. 

Tears threatened to spill as she gazed at his back, that ache from earlier returning with a terrible force - a pain so deep that it felt as if her very heart had been ripped out of her chest. How could she go back to just messaging him? Even vidcalls felt like they wouldn’t be enough anymore. And among it all, his words kept ringing in her head - bringing with them questions that she still had no true answer to. 

He’d said she was  _ his _ , that no one else could have her. What did that make them now? They’d gone far past the point of shaky friendship, but into what? She felt a sort of desperation to have a name for this, a word that made it clear what they were to one another now. But there was no way she could ever ask him. 

“Nova,” he said, voice floating to her from where he stood near the doorway. Just the sound of it nearly broke her carefully-constructed dam against the flood of tears, and her heart seemed to race erratically as she looked over her shoulder to the Spectre. His gaze didn’t find hers, instead still heavily focused on whatever it was he was working on with his omnitool. Only a single wave of his hand - a silent beckon - told her what he wanted. She quickly dried her hands with the dish cloth set next to the sink, making her way to his side without a word.

His eyes finally met hers for a brief moment, his features seeming to soften as they did so, before they fell back to his screen. Nova could barely make out some sort of long, complicated stream of odd symbols from where she stood, before being distracted by his chin jerking towards a familiar sort of scanner set into the wall just above a console. 

“I need a retinal scan. Stand there and keep yourself still while it runs.” 

She wasn’t at all sure why he’d need something like that, but Nova obeyed after a second of confusion, moving towards the scanner and making sure to keep her eye wide enough for it to take accurate data. The glass bead momentarily flashed with red light as a fine infrared laser ran over the length of her eyeball, hardly perceptible and lasting for only a split second before fading once more. Even so, she rubbed at her eye after withdrawing, the beam going directly into her cornea still bringing with it a measure of discomfort. She’d never liked those things. 

“Thank you,” she heard him say, and before Nova could even look up to the Spectre, his hand twined with hers, his mouth barely ghosting across her forehead for but a moment before he withdrew again. The contact was more than enough to incite a flush across her cheeks, however. She felt him give a light squeeze to her hand. “I just need a voice recording now.”

“W-What’s this for, Saren..?”

“I…” He fell silent for a moment, gaze never straying from hers as his mandibles flicked awkwardly. Only after giving a short cough did he break away, eyes returning to the orange glow of his omnitool as he removed his hand from hers and began typing a quick string of characters out. “I’m registering your biometrics for security clearance. It will let you bypass the lock on the door by simply undergoing a retinal scan and vocal authorization.”

“... Wait.. what do you mean?” She didn’t really have to ask, yet the words tumbled from her lips in a confused whisper - as if she didn’t quite believe what she had just heard. 

Saren gave a small sigh. “You’ll have full access to this apartment whenever you visit the Citadel.. even if I’m not here. You can consider this as a temporary home for you, should you ever come back and I’m unable to meet with you. It’s easier than renting out a room somewhere… and safer. My security system is complex, but simple enough to use that you can activate it with the touch of a button. “

Even as the confusion wore off into a state of stunned silence, Nova felt Saren’s fingers caressing over her cheek. He nodded towards the console embedded in the wall again, giving a slight outward flick of his mandibles in that crooked smile she’d gotten so used to. 

“Now, just say this phrase for the authentification..”

* * *

  
The drive to her apartment was quiet, neither of them speaking much.

Saren tried to keep his eyes focused on the skyway, if only so that he wouldn’t keep thinking on all the things he wished to say to her. But his gaze kept drifting down to the human girl sitting beside him, a pathetic keen threatening to bubble from his subvocals. As the minutes ticked by, that same ache in his chest seemed to grow more painful - to the point he honestly thought he couldn’t breathe at times. The entire process was infuriating, and Saren went through a full range of emotions during the eternity it seemed to take for them to reach where she was staying, even though the drive lasted hardly ten minutes. 

It was only after they had parked outside the highrise and made their way up to her lodgings that the Spectre finally forced himself to speak, fighting past the cotton seemingly stuffed in his mouth. But only a single word could escape as he reached for her.

“Nova,” he said, voice feeling too raw - as if he’d been shouting for hours on end. His talons snaked around her thin wrist, stopping the girl in her tracks and pulling her eyes to his as he closed the distance between them. Saren’s other hand found its way to her cheek, cupping the side of her face as his mandibles quivered, flicking outwards only to retract back and grow stiff against his jaw as he struggled to say more. Spirits, to say  _ anything _ . But as he simply stared down at his woman, words seemed to escape him completely.

For this reason, he was grateful that Nova placed a hand on his chest and moved into him, pulling away from his hand to bury her face against the front of his tunic. In response, he wrapped both arms around her, holding her tiny form and allowing her lower body temperature to seep into him - as well as nuzzling against her hair and taking in her scent. Somehow the contact was enough to drive away the frustration at being unable to speak, leaving Saren to simply bask in her presence and lose himself for a while longer. 

Parting was one of the most painful things he had ever done, but as she pulled away from him and rubbed at her eyes, Saren allowed it and withdrew his arms from her. Unshed tears threatened to spill from those deep pools of emerald, but when their gazes locked once more, Nova merely gave a smile. 

“I-I’ll.. g-go get changed, and um.. put the c-clothes up..” she said, her voice shaky as she nodded her head towards the bag that had been abandoned by the doorway. Not trusting himself to speak, the Spectre just nodded, moving away from the woman quickly so that he wouldn’t reach for her again. 

He planted himself awkwardly on the couch as she made her way deeper into the apartment and disappeared into what he could only assume was the bedroom. Saren never once moved from his position for the entire thirty minutes it took for the girl to reemerge, now dressed in a simple Alliance jumpsuit with a form-fitting lightweave under armour showing beneath it. As he looked back to give her a once-over, his first thought inevitably was regret at being unable to see  _ just _ how tightly the under armor hugged her figure. The second, however, was more serious… almost contemplative. 

She looked out of place. Nova filled out the suit well - too well, perhaps - but the picture of her in it just didn’t..  _ fit _ . She didn’t look like someone who belonged in a military; Nova was too young, too inexperienced, too  _ soft _ . She should be in one of those flowing gowns asari wore to special events - not stuffed into a uniform and protective catsuit, preparing to go throw things around with her biotics. Part of him even wanted to say so out loud, tell her exactly how he felt about her being a part of the Alliance… and where he wanted her to be instead. But even if he may have wanted to, the words still died in his throat before ever formulating. So instead, he merely took her hand as she came within reach, letting a smile escape as he felt her squeeze his own tightly. 

He let his eyes flick to the nearest clock display for but a second. Spirits, only an hour left with her. 

A keen finally escaped his second larynx, the sound quiet but just poignant enough that Nova leaned upwards and placed a kiss on the underside of his jaw. Saren all-too-gratefully pulled her closer, pressing his mouth to hers and letting his hands find their way to her hips. Even after they parted, he didn’t release her, instead dragging her back to the couch and into his lap, nuzzling against her neck with a sort of desperation. 

To think that only a year ago, he’d had no trouble walking away from her. Now it felt like his heart would shatter, his chest crumple inwards from the vacuum left by her absence. His body felt leaden, each movement seeming sluggish, becoming almost painful as time slipped away from them. Only her warmth in his hands seemed to fight some of it away, even as he lamented over how soon he would lose her. His grip tightened, arms wrapping around her tiny frame as he crushed her against him, ignoring the slight whimper of pain she uttered as her sore breasts were pressed into his carapace. He licked over what little of her uncovered neck he could find in apology, holding her in place for what felt an eternity before finally allowing a comfortable distance to resurface between their bodies. 

When he found her gaze again, tears were spilling from those beautiful eyes. She didn’t bother wiping them away this time, instead closing her eyes and just crying in his arms. All Saren could do was lick at the salty liquid as they streaked damp trails down her cheeks, knowing she needed to get them out and allowing her time to do so. He cradled her as she rested her forehead against his own, letting a soothing purr spill from his subvocals. 

Spirits, she had captured him so completely in such a short time. He never wanted to let this maddening woman go again, and it was killing him that he had to. It would have been so  _ easy _ to keep her here with him on the Citadel, to extract her out of the damned Alliance and free her from everything that served to drive them apart. But she wasn’t ready for that yet… he knew she wasn’t. She had found something important in the human military, and still needed time to decide where she wanted to go with her life. She was still so young, still had so many years ahead of her… and no matter how much he may have wanted to be selfish, wanted to be the only important thing in her life, wanted to keep her at his side, Saren wasn’t going to allow himself to steal any more of her youth than he already had. 

He could only hope that she would choose him in the end. He’d do everything in his power to make it a viable option for her. 

They shared one last kiss, as her tears finally calmed. He let his tongue snake out to lick over her lips, coaxing her own out for a dance as his mouth plates moved against her. Her hands found his chest, and his own came up to cup her face, holding her still as they let words go unspoken, allowing the contact to convey everything they wished they could say to each other in that moment. 

And just like that, time seemed to start ticking away again as they disentangled themselves from each other and Saren led her from the apartment. 

* * * * *

“Nervous?” he asked, watching her carefully as they still sat in the skycar only a short walk away from the complex. She’d been idly tugging at the collar of her shirt and biting her lip for a good few minutes after they had touched down, merely staring at the building impassively. At the sound of his voice, however, she turned to look at him - her eyes betraying the answer before she even opened her mouth. 

He placed a hand atop hers, leaning over to nuzzle against her ear. 

“It’ll be fine. You’ve been through three days of it already, Nova.” 

“I-It’s… not that. Or well, it is, b-but..” 

She twisted her hand in his, their fingers twining together. He knew what she was going to say before she even continued. 

“I know, Nova. I don’t like this any more than you do..” he sighed, pulling away and leaning back in the seat. If it were up to him, he would have fucked her so senseless she couldn’t even walk, and kept her with him for the rest of the week, caring for her as he formulated an excuse to pull her out of the Alliance. “But this training is important. You’ve been presented with an opportunity few of your species ever receive, and seeing as I’ve acted as a sort of mentor for you the past year, I want to see you excel in this course.” 

“I’m sorry..”

He squeezed her hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for… I’m not lecturing you, Nova.”

“... I’m afraid.. h-how long will it be this time, before we can see each other..? I-I..” Her voice broke momentarily, teeth clamping onto her lip for a moment as she seemed to work through some inner pain. “I don’t.. I-I don’t want to leave..”

“... You have to, Nova. At least for now.. You’re an adult, you have responsibilities and expectations placed on you. There’s also someone waiting for you, back in the Alliance.. don’t you want to see that woman again?” 

She didn’t respond. Saren let the silence fall back on them for a time, trying to work through his own feelings. In all honesty, he didn’t want her to return to that Commander Shepard, still feeling an odd sense of jealousy over the woman’s connection with her. But he hadn’t said what he did simply as an excuse - she  _ was _ an adult, and encouraging her to run away from her decisions would help no one in the end, especially not her. And there was a likelihood that she’d come to regret a hastily-made decision to remain with him, later down the road.. possibly putting a strain on their already shaky relationship. That outcome was unacceptable. If he had to put them through another few months of being apart just to avoid that, then so be it… regardless of how painful it may become. 

He leaned over again, nudging against her ear and ghosting his mouth plates over her cheek until the human finally turned to him. He saw tears threatening to spill again, and in response kissed her - deeply, with a smoldering passion that conveyed far more than even his subvocals ever could. Spirits, he wanted to pull her into his lap and just lose himself in her again, claim her one last time before he lost her to her life in the Alliance for who knew how long. Saren could only settle with the kiss, with his talons caressing over her neck and along the line of her jaw before they finally parted, Nova’s cheeks flushed red and a delicate gasp escaping from her lips. 

“I’ll message you as often as you like, and we can still sync up for vidcalls when we’re able... We’ll see each other again as soon as possible,  _ amatra _ ,” he whispered, nuzzling against her one more time before withdrawing completely and opening the front of the car. 

Unsurprisingly, she looked at him in question as she reluctantly climbed out. Saren gave a wan smile, a single mandible flicking outwards. 

“... W-What does that mean, Saren..? That word..” 

He could feel her hand tremble as she spoke, their only connection remaining unbroken as she leaned against the hood of the car and kept her eyes locked with his. Saren only offered up a quiet laugh, shaking his head. 

“I’ll tell you the next time we can meet like this, Nova. Now get going.”

“... Okay..” She gave a single nod, her eyes saying far more than her lips as she gave his hand one final squeeze. “... I.. I don’t want to say ‘goodbye’, it sounds so.. final.. s-so, um.. I’ll… I’ll see you later, Saren.”

“And I you,  _ amatra _ . Make me proud in there,” he whispered, finally seeing a small smile from her. It made his chest ache with longing.   
  
And then she was gone, her hand slipping from his grasp as she turned and half walked, half ran to the front of the complex, never once looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -flops over and wheezes- I t i s f i n a l l y d o n e
> 
> Please join me in feeling feels because I felt feels while I finished this. Alternatively, look forward to the next and last story before we head into Mass Effect 1!


End file.
